Over the past 10 months, God has been doing some heavy-duty wrecking/rebuilding within me. The life lessons He’s been teaching/applying in this season are more difficult than anything I’ve experienced in my (admittedly short) 23 years.
One of the hardest lessons to live has been the one on forgiveness.
I know, I know. As someone who lives under the saving work of Jesus and in complete righteousness in the sight of God, forgiveness is nothing new. As believers, we’ve done this song and dance a hundred times, right? Yet…for someone who has been forgiven so much, the act of extending that same grace to fellow brothers and sisters has been the mystery I’ve been searching out and re-learning for years.
In my life (by the grace of God), I’ve been able to forgive all manner of abuse, mistreatment, backstabbing, and general hurts. However, up until this point in my life, the forgiveness came after I felt sufficient justice had been served. Not that I consciously withheld it; it just came easier after the perpetrator had apologized/experienced the natural consequences of their actions.
However, as people who are much wiser and more seasoned than me know by now, the luxury of justice and apologies, as well as natural consequences, aren’t always a given. Sometimes, in God’s sovereignty and mercy, He extends grace to our offenders that we wouldn’t. When this happens…Oh, it is SO HARD to forgive.
When a husband is unfaithful and leaves his wife/children for another woman, who he is then happily married to while the family he left behind struggles…
When a boss that mistreats/abuses his employees is promoted…
When a corrupt government official oppresses and terrorizes his people without interference…
Makes your blood boil, doesn’t it? We want a happy ending. We want the Hero to ride in and bring justice to the oppressed, like He promised He would. But
God never promised justice on our terms, and
He never gave us permission to mete it out ourselves.
His command has always been to forgive, and His promise is consequences should we refuse.
With forgiveness being as hard as it is, I would think that we would be rewarded for it somehow, you know, like positive reinforcement. However, as Hannah Hurnard puts it, forgiveness is called “Bearing the cost” for a reason. When we forgive, we willingly bear the cost of what has been done to us without demanding that our offender split it with us, 50/50 or 40/60 or any other way. Hurting us doesn’t need to cost them anything: in fact, we’re not supposed to expect that it should.
Our part has always been to extend grace.
For sure, Jesus doesn’t expect us to be able to do it in our own strength…no man has ever been able to forgive except One, and only after perfect Justice was served. But that’s the thing…His Justice covers our offenses, AND every offense done to us. HE bore the cost. Knowing this, how can we refuse to forgive?
Unforgiveness turned me into someone that I didn’t recognize. She’s a bitter, loveless person, and she needed to die. With that in mind, I wrote this letter to the person I was struggling most to forgive. I’m sharing it here in hopes that you (whoever you are, wherever you are) will finally be able to let go of those who have hurt you, for your own good. Your Heavenly Father is SO concerned with what is best for you. If His commands seem harsh, it’s because His love is so great and so stern in that it cannot allow you to remain in the hell you’ve made for yourself by unforgiveness. My prayer is that in reading this, you’ll find that freedom…that WE’LL find it, together.
"Dear …………..,
I often think about you and what happened with us. I don’t know if I’ve ever formally apologized to you for the things I did or the ways I hurt you, but I hope you know how truly sorry I am, and that knowing the depth of my grief has made it easier for you to forgive me.
That being said, I want you to know that forgiving you is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Forgiving someone who not only shows no remorse or regret, but who can walk away so easily from a mess they helped create…and who has never had to answer for their crimes against me. Far from it, you’ve been promoted and affirmed and maybe even convinced that you’ve done no wrong, and that I simply imagined the whole thing.
it has all seemed a terrible injustice that things should be this way – that you should be where you are and I should be where I am, and that people should think so well of you while thinking so badly of me. This has made it even harder to forgive, knowing they think what they do largely because of what you’ve told them about me.
Believe me when I say I have tried SO HARD to forgive you. But here is where I find myself, still trying to forgive you, not having accomplished it and hating what it’s done to me, who it’s turned me into. So here goes…everything.
I forgive you.
for deceiving me into thinking we were closer than we were.
for dropping me as soon as something better came along.
for misrepresenting me to those who trusted your words.
for walking away when I tried to fight for us.
for abandoning me without a second thought.
I forgive you.
I want to forgive you.
I am dying to forgive you.
Forgive me for taking so long to do it.
-Anna"
Matthew 18:21-35
Colossians 3:13
