where to even begin, dear readers? I must have started five different blogs this month, all of them ending in frustration or discouragement or a nap because I was too tired to think. Let me start with this…
At the beginning of this month, I was almost sent home.
In a matter of minutes, my World Race as I knew it was over. Everything I thought I knew was pulled out from under me. The way I saw the people around me, the way I viewed my race up to that point, but mostly, what I thought I knew about myself. In a fifteen minute meeting…all of it was leveled to the ground.
I was devastated.
I was disillusioned.
I was terrified.
And that was when Jesus stepped in to rebuild me.
At Training Camp, one of my squad trainers prophesied over me that God was going to give me a new everything-heart, eyes, mind, EVERYTHING. What didn't occur to me was that to receive these new things, He would have to remove all of the old.
Coming into this month of ministry, I had no idea who I was. As God would have it, we had next to no ministry this month. Our main work was manual labor, but most of the month, adverse weather conditions prevented us from going outside.
(our backyard on a good day)
So I stayed inside…and He did ministry in me.
In this season, one of the most confusing and broken things I've walked through, God has done a miraculous work. He is literally making me into a new person.
Here are a couple of entries straight from my journal of what He's working out in me this month.
3/9/13
“So the pride falls down like the guillotine
severing the curtain and tearing the veil I've been seeing through
and humiliation breaks through to humility
and there's nothing protecting me from you.
Finally I see me as I have never ceased to be
naked and filthy, sinful and guilty
and You, God of Abraham, Fear of Isaac,
overtake me when I try to run
shred my flimsy figleaf covering
tear my pride to pieces
my reputation to oblivion
and we meet,
face to shame-covered face.
Self-pity and bitterness, anger and jealousy
flee in the presence of One who is Jealous for me.
Holy fire burns. I shrink away.
It burns closer.
Can I run?
“You don't want to run.”
the flame consumes me, purging dross
and purifying faith, motives, heart.
My being incinerated, I crumble to ashes into burning love.
The flame dies down with nothing left to burn.
I lie in ashes.
A gentle whisper comes and carries my ashes away,.
Through valleys and over mountains, the whisper and I, we fly.
He brings us to rest on the hill of ultimate sacrifice.
There at the foot of a cross and a throne,
He rebuilds me.
From dust and ashes,
new life.
He breathes it into me and I arise.”
3/17/13
“Matthew 6:22-23
Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!
Luke 11:35-36
Make sure that the light you think you have is not actually darkness. If you are filled with light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight were filling you with light.
My eyes are bad. The reason I'm constantly filled with darkness is because I'm seeing life through the lens of lies. It's cracked and warped, by my sin and those who have sinned against me. So everything that happens gets filtered through this broken lens and pours into my heart as a lie. And so I'm in torment and turmoil all the time, trying to fight the lies and stay afloat, instead of fixing the initial problem-my eyes. If I am viewing life correctly, then the lies don't even have a chance to get inside me. (1 Thessalonians 5:8) if I'm protected by the armor of faith and love, and wearing as my helmet the confidence of my salvation (something Imelda prayed over me at debrief), the lies can't penetrate into my mind. So I told God, “I can't fix me. If I'm going to see correctly, I need you to fix my eyes.” immediately, the verse came to mind, “Let us FIX OUR EYES on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…” (Hebrews 12:2) (1 Corinthians 13:12) (2 Corinthians 4:18) (Romans 8:24) and “Let us FIX our gaze on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
So, as of two weeks ago, God has been slowly but surely fixing my “lenses” and enabling me to see things through the lens of Truth (His word.) and then I had this dream…
“3/24/13
The first part of the dream was unrelated to the second part. In the first part, I was downstairs, trying to get dinner. There was all this fried food, but there wasn't enough to satisfy me, and it didn't even taste good. Then I went to look for somewhere to sit, and there was no place for me. So immediately, two of the things I usually turn to for comfort-food and community-were either unsatisfying or unavailable. Then, somehow, Jesus was there.
I said something to Him or asked Him something-I don't remember what, so it must not have been important- but it was something along the lines of, “how is it possible that you can enjoy me? Cranky, pessimistic, yucky me. People tell me you delight in us…I don't get it, Jesus.” in reply, He showed me a vision.
There was a nursery in my vision, in the middle of the night. There was a newborn baby in the crib, who I recognized as me…only I knew that she was representative of me as a baby Christian, brand new to the faith. It was the middle of the night and she was screaming her head off. Jesus walked in and took the baby out of the crib, looking like a proud father. He sat in a rocking chair with her and fed her a bottle, smiling and talking to her. He didn't even look tired. He just sat there in that rocking chair with her until she went back to sleep.
Then the vision shifted, to the same nursery some time later. The baby was an infant, sitting on the floor and playing with blocks. Jesus was there again, on the floor with her making funny faces and laughing whenever she laughed.
The vision changed again, and this time the nursery had been refurnished into a little girl's room. She was wearing a little pink and white dress that I recognized as mine from when I was younger. She was standing on Jesus' feet, and they were dancing around the room. It was apparent to me that this little girls is me, right now.
The vision shifted a last time, to the same room, only it belonged to a grown woman. Jesus and the woman were sitting off to the side of the room, holding hands. They weren't saying a word; they were just sitting there, being with each other. Somehow I knew this was a picture of what is to come.”
in just this final week of my month here, God has been revolutionizing the way I see Him. Where before I saw a cold, irritated, aloof Being, now I see a Father who passionately loves me as His adopted daughter. I see a God who delights in me, regardless of what I do or how I feel on any given day. I see Someone who laughs over me, sings over me, rejoices over me. And in knowing this love that He has for me, I've been able to let go of the hatred I had for myself and practice seeing/loving me the way He does.
And it has been SO, SO GOOD.
Thank you for sharing the journey with me.
-Anna
