Continued…
Excuse me for a moment while I decide how transparent I want to be right now…
like I mentioned earlier, rejection is a THEME in my life. More than just a regular occurrence, it had elbowed the notion of "acceptance" or anything like it completely out of the picture. I was rejected. This was my identity.
Let me try to explain without writing you a novel…last year, I went to Africa with a different organization. I was invited to leadership training, (two days before all the missionaries showed up) and then told after two days of team building exercises and the like, that they had more applicants than spots open.
I was not chosen.
I spent the rest of my summer being bossed around by a 19 year old. When my irritation reared its head, I was told to be submissive. To boot, the “leaders” (who were ALL at LEAST a year younger than me) often had special activities planned just for them. They had a movie night. They had a pizza and soda night. When we ran out of water in Zambia, they each got a cold bottle of it, saved for them by the Project Director. They had their own little clique. All the while, I waited to be included, prayed to be asked, just once, if I would join in….hoped that someone would treat me like someone that mattered (i.e. a leader.) When I finally tried to share my hurt with a couple girls on my team (when it got to the point that it was a festering wound that would not go away), no one wanted to hear it. “Can we talk about something else? Let’s end this trip on a good note.”
It was a humiliating (not HUMBLING, humiliating), frustrating, altogether painful experience. A year later, I was still suffering from the wounds this inflicted on my heart, and shoving it down was just not working.
fast forward to a year later…
On the very first NIGHT of TC, these words found their way into my journal…
"….something in me is still wounded from not being chosen a YEAR AGO….something that says, "You are damaged, defective as a person. You are not mature enough, Godly enough. Wise enough to lead, and you are rejected……""
now, I'm going to confess something, because I KNOW that I'm not the only one.
I went into this whole World Race thing feeling like I had something to prove.
And isn't that how so many of us live our lives?
For fear of being rejected for what we aren’t (or are), we set out to prove that we are something special.
I took this burden to Georgia with me.
I was going to be the happiest, cleanest, most upbeat, empathic, flexible, fun, mature, spiritual, outdoorsy, wise, compassionate, loving, awesome World Racer EVER and EVERYONE was going to LOVE me.
Sound exhausting? It was, and it got old by about the third day (though I'm fairly certain most everyone saw through it right off the bat).
Here’s when I started to realize I couldn't do it anymore: it was the morning of our 2nd day at Training Camp. I was just in the back, worshipping God, crying my way through "You Make Beautiful Things", when a girl appeared beside me. I turned to look at her, and she spoke these words over me:
"God told me, 'You have to go up to Anna. Tell her I love her, and that she is beautiful, and that she is ENOUGH."
So, I've never been prophesied over….and to have this girl address something that I had written in my JOURNAL? Not gonna lie, I freaked out a little. And that's not even where it ended…
That NIGHT, during worship (AGAIN) this same girl hugged me and said,
"There have been people and events in your life that have told you that you are rejected. This is a lie."
And I thought I was freaking out before.
I started bawling. "How do you KNOW THAT???" even though I knew: it had to be Jesus.
And then the rubber hit the road…
(Stay tuned for part 3)
