This was written a couple of days ago, just didn’t have time to post it—
6/7/09
Oh Honesty- What does that even mean? How do we live unconcealed
in a world where people are afraid if something is deeper than a
puddle? I wrote a blog, posted it, then deleted it, because I felt like
it just wasn’t honest. I’m done with forced happily ever afters. I’m
done with trying to shove the messes of life into neatly wrapped boxes.
Training camp changed me. I don’t know when, or what… I didn’t even
realize it while I was there. I’m just different. I feel this new sense
of freedom, and this… need to be honest. I’m done with hiding. I’m done with lying. I’m just done with all of that.
in a world where people are afraid if something is deeper than a
puddle? I wrote a blog, posted it, then deleted it, because I felt like
it just wasn’t honest. I’m done with forced happily ever afters. I’m
done with trying to shove the messes of life into neatly wrapped boxes.
Training camp changed me. I don’t know when, or what… I didn’t even
realize it while I was there. I’m just different. I feel this new sense
of freedom, and this… need to be honest. I’m done with hiding. I’m done with lying. I’m just done with all of that.
So honestly- this is what I’m feeling. This is what I’m trying to figure out.
I don’t understand any of this. Vertigo— I
went to the physical therapist the other day and she explained to me
how much vertigo affects the mind, and why so many people just can’t
take it. The ears don’t work, so the brain is constantly overworked
trying to compensate for it. Apparently those with vertigo usually
experience: heightened stress and anxiety, extreme exhaustion,
increased emotions, lack of focus, memory issues, on top of the already
scary episodes, all because the brain is working so much harder than it
should. It completely explains last year.I did too much last year- and
was so sick all semester. Step in January, pneumonia in February, then
the really bad vertigo. And then all of the craziness I felt- I was so
relieved to realize that
so much of the stress, anxiety and just overall craziness wasn’t
completely me being weak. It’s just this stupid little inner ear thing
that has caused so many problems. This physical therapy stuff is
supposed to drastically improve things. I mean, it’ll take a couple of
weeks of at home exercises, but the rate of improvement is like 80% for
most people. To think that soon I could feel like ME again- really ME.
It was just exciting.
went to the physical therapist the other day and she explained to me
how much vertigo affects the mind, and why so many people just can’t
take it. The ears don’t work, so the brain is constantly overworked
trying to compensate for it. Apparently those with vertigo usually
experience: heightened stress and anxiety, extreme exhaustion,
increased emotions, lack of focus, memory issues, on top of the already
scary episodes, all because the brain is working so much harder than it
should. It completely explains last year.I did too much last year- and
was so sick all semester. Step in January, pneumonia in February, then
the really bad vertigo. And then all of the craziness I felt- I was so
relieved to realize that
so much of the stress, anxiety and just overall craziness wasn’t
completely me being weak. It’s just this stupid little inner ear thing
that has caused so many problems. This physical therapy stuff is
supposed to drastically improve things. I mean, it’ll take a couple of
weeks of at home exercises, but the rate of improvement is like 80% for
most people. To think that soon I could feel like ME again- really ME.
It was just exciting.
So today— oh today was just so… confusing. I
visited this church to hear Shawn Bolz speak. He’s a prophetic guy
who’s done alot with IHOP and Bethel, so I’m pretty excited to go. The
worship at this church was pretty cool- everything from Tomlin to U2-
think I’ll visit again. They’re the kooky christians I like- the ones
who make weird noises and fall over sometimes. I got to see gold dust for
the first time– weird.
visited this church to hear Shawn Bolz speak. He’s a prophetic guy
who’s done alot with IHOP and Bethel, so I’m pretty excited to go. The
worship at this church was pretty cool- everything from Tomlin to U2-
think I’ll visit again. They’re the kooky christians I like- the ones
who make weird noises and fall over sometimes. I got to see gold dust for
the first time– weird.
Anyways, Shawn Bolz gets up to speak,
but before he begins his sermon he says, “Is anyone having ear
problems? Because my ears are hurting, and I think it’s the spirit.” So
I, of course, jump up! A few other people do and he’s like, let’s just
pray into this. So we put our fingers in our ears and prayer and a lady
gets healed of this chronic ear pain. I don’t feel any different. Round
2- A couple other people get healed. One woman didn’t have an eardrum
from so many childhood infections, and her hearing became completely
restored. Nothing for me. Round 3- I hear this weird crackling in my
ear. Huh. So I speak up, and Shawn’s like “come up here. i want to pray
for you.”
but before he begins his sermon he says, “Is anyone having ear
problems? Because my ears are hurting, and I think it’s the spirit.” So
I, of course, jump up! A few other people do and he’s like, let’s just
pray into this. So we put our fingers in our ears and prayer and a lady
gets healed of this chronic ear pain. I don’t feel any different. Round
2- A couple other people get healed. One woman didn’t have an eardrum
from so many childhood infections, and her hearing became completely
restored. Nothing for me. Round 3- I hear this weird crackling in my
ear. Huh. So I speak up, and Shawn’s like “come up here. i want to pray
for you.”
Well, I LOVE prayer and soak it up as much as I can get, so
I run up there. He puts his hands on me and begins to pray. As he was praying, He said:
I run up there. He puts his hands on me and begins to pray. As he was praying, He said:
” I just see this whirlwind, and God is reaching down and putting His finger in the middle of it and it’s stopping.”
“You are going to go deeper, deeper than you’ve ever gone before”
“It’s something physical. This is a physical thing, not a spiritual attack. It’s physical in your ear.”
“You’re going to get a better picture of heaven, a revelation of heaven that you haven’t experienced yet.”
Then He’s like, How are you feeling? I’m like,
“good— I think.” I can’t tell if I feel different. Sometimes I just
feel funny when the Spirit really gets moving. So I go and sit down,
thinking, “Crazy- Ear problems. lol. I’m healed, and cool to know so
many things about whats to come this next year. Thanks Pops, you’re the
best”
“good— I think.” I can’t tell if I feel different. Sometimes I just
feel funny when the Spirit really gets moving. So I go and sit down,
thinking, “Crazy- Ear problems. lol. I’m healed, and cool to know so
many things about whats to come this next year. Thanks Pops, you’re the
best”
The sermon is pretty amazing. It’s about signs
and wonders and the revival God is bringing to Austin. It was pretty
awesome just hearing confirmation that I’ve been hearing from God all
along- He is bringing revival. It’s going to be different than we
think, because everything is different in Austin, and it’s coming SOON. I’m
excited to see how my business is going to play its part in this
revival. We’re “revolutionary desserts”, as our slogan says. I don’t
think we have any idea the kind of revolution we’re in for.
and wonders and the revival God is bringing to Austin. It was pretty
awesome just hearing confirmation that I’ve been hearing from God all
along- He is bringing revival. It’s going to be different than we
think, because everything is different in Austin, and it’s coming SOON. I’m
excited to see how my business is going to play its part in this
revival. We’re “revolutionary desserts”, as our slogan says. I don’t
think we have any idea the kind of revolution we’re in for.
Here’s the confusing part- . I asked God the
night before to wake me up early enough if He wanted me to go to that
church. He did. So
the spirit prompts this guy to feel pain in his EARS to pray for
healing. I get hands laid on me, and prayed for. God reveals things to
this guy that are pretty specific to me. Obviously God is working. BUT
I’M STILL HAVING VERTIGO.
night before to wake me up early enough if He wanted me to go to that
church. He did. So
the spirit prompts this guy to feel pain in his EARS to pray for
healing. I get hands laid on me, and prayed for. God reveals things to
this guy that are pretty specific to me. Obviously God is working. BUT
I’M STILL HAVING VERTIGO.
Seriously- wtheck?
I’m
totally fine with using medicine to heal me. I was totally fine doing
this physical therapy stuff, Yes it can be a pain, and it makes the
symptoms worse for a little while, but I’m fine with that because it’s
supposed to work. So, I’m fine with this being a process. I’m fine with learning to trust. I’m okay with
the fact that God hasn’t chosen to miraculously heal me. I don’t understand it, but, after MUCH struggling, I’m okay with it.
totally fine with using medicine to heal me. I was totally fine doing
this physical therapy stuff, Yes it can be a pain, and it makes the
symptoms worse for a little while, but I’m fine with that because it’s
supposed to work. So, I’m fine with this being a process. I’m fine with learning to trust. I’m okay with
the fact that God hasn’t chosen to miraculously heal me. I don’t understand it, but, after MUCH struggling, I’m okay with it.
BUT
WHY
must he just— bait me like this? I know that sounds ridiculous…
heretical even. I’m just being honest. I know God doesn’t bait or test
us- but— it’s almost funny. I mean, come on! EAR PROBLEMS? ” I just
see this whirlwind, and God is reaching down and putting His finger in
the middle of it and it’s stopping.” SERIOUSLY?!
WHY
must he just— bait me like this? I know that sounds ridiculous…
heretical even. I’m just being honest. I know God doesn’t bait or test
us- but— it’s almost funny. I mean, come on! EAR PROBLEMS? ” I just
see this whirlwind, and God is reaching down and putting His finger in
the middle of it and it’s stopping.” SERIOUSLY?!
Why get my hopes up and then not follow through? Am I doing something wrong? I just don’t get it.
I
just feel like miraculous healing has been waved in front of me quite a
few times, but then taken away the second I beg for it. I just don’t
get it. I’m fine with this being a recovery process, until something
like this happens and I get my hopes up- only to be let down. Again.
just feel like miraculous healing has been waved in front of me quite a
few times, but then taken away the second I beg for it. I just don’t
get it. I’m fine with this being a recovery process, until something
like this happens and I get my hopes up- only to be let down. Again.
Being real is scary. Honesty and living ‘unconcealed’… it’s so much harder than I thought it would be. I’m
wondering if I should even post this? I mean- I just said God is
‘baiting me’- Granted I’ve said alot more to His face, and no
lightening bolts yet.
wondering if I should even post this? I mean- I just said God is
‘baiting me’- Granted I’ve said alot more to His face, and no
lightening bolts yet.
Please let me clarify- I’m not at the end of my
rope. I’m not turning away from God, nor am I questioning His love for
me. He’s it for me. Even though I may not understand it all, nor will I
ever understand it all- He’s it. He’s the path I’m following, and I
would much rather have Him and deal with this stuff for the rest of my
natural life than to be away from Him for a minute.He’s worth it all.
rope. I’m not turning away from God, nor am I questioning His love for
me. He’s it for me. Even though I may not understand it all, nor will I
ever understand it all- He’s it. He’s the path I’m following, and I
would much rather have Him and deal with this stuff for the rest of my
natural life than to be away from Him for a minute.He’s worth it all.
I have more things to say about this- about
things I’m learning, things He’s showing. More upbeat things really, but I feel like this is where I need to end it. I need to just sit in
this moment of vulnerability and not end with a happily ever after. Honesty. I
just need to sit in this moment and be real.
things I’m learning, things He’s showing. More upbeat things really, but I feel like this is where I need to end it. I need to just sit in
this moment of vulnerability and not end with a happily ever after. Honesty. I
just need to sit in this moment and be real.
