I have many things to post, well- most of them are half-done so we’ll see when they get posted. First, we were told to write about training camp… like a week ago. Sorry guys. Busy times.
– Seriously was considering not going. Yes I want to bring the Kingdom to the far ends of the earth, but right now, I have things to do in Austin. And… I was exhausted. The last thing I needed was to have a couple of weeks of being pushed to the max. All I wanted was to rest after my crazy semester.
– Thought I wouldn’t be able to do very much bonding because of that whole vertigo thing. What was the point of even going?
– Couldn’t I just postpone this to January?
Training Camp was all about letting go of your expectations. For your self, for God, for the world, for people. It was about freedom. I’ve done Jesus camps before, even led a couple, but this— this one was different. How? You’re just going to have to join the race and see for yourself. I left with incredible respect for this organization. My exhaustion was replaced with excitement. My fears replaced with trust. I’m different. I just feel… rest.
Yes, it was fun. We camped, we hiked, we danced, we played, we worshipped, we experienced the spirit, we ate cultural foods… I was hungry 
🙂 we bonded, and I miss them already. It was fun and I loved it.
The first few days broke me- I had to face that question that had been plaguing me for almost half a year. The question that I would have never thought to ask a year ago. The question that was a daily constant in my mind since October. (Ask me about calvinism… on second thought. Don’t.) : “God, do you love me? I know you CAN do all things. You’re strong, creator, sovereign.. I get all of that. But— do I matter to you? 
Or am I just a puppet in your play? You CAN do all things. But WILL you?” Several questions, combined with my fear of abandonment- summed into one: “Do you love me enough to not leave me?”
I used to be honest with God. Like- scream fest, cursing, yelling, crying, laughing honest. Training camp brought that honesty back. I found myself after one of the sessions, sobbing with anger, looking back at my semester. “God. You abandoned me. My greatest fear came true. Where were you? When I was crying, begging for healing? Where were you? You left me.” Now normally, I would cry, and come to a happy resolution so I can engage in worship. In fact, that’s what I always did. Not this time. No worship for me. I was pissed. I talked to one of the amazing counselors- and she told me, “God can take it. He’s big enough to take care of himself.” A fact that I knew- but forgot.
God doesn’t want our fake smiles, or our “it’ll be okay” lies. He wants us. All of it. And He knows what He’s getting himself into. He knows my daily struggles, my horrible thoughts, my lies, my fears, HE KNOWS THEM. And it doesn’t change the way He looks at me. No matter what happens, His desire, His affections are for me. He is for me.
6 Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame. [c]
He won’t relent until He has it all. Thank you, Lord, for that.
