10..14.09
Oh God,
To know you more, I want to know you better. I’m tired, but I don’t want that to be an excuse. I want to love you more, better. I ask that you would give me high grace and patience today. With the teams and myself. That you would love me, well you always love me, but that I wouldn’t care about rejection. At all.
That my heart would be focused on you, not on validation from men. Please keep my intentions holy. I trust you, I give my life to you. You are good, so so so good. I love you, and I trust you.
God, I’m honestly wondering if I ever want to get married. Is that in the cards for me? Sure, I want to get married for some reasons- but is that enough?
I would rather just feel and be loved by you. As I write that, I think-wait. No. I want to feel love from a person too. But, I think that’s because I don’t feel your love all the time. What about those times when I don’t hear you? Or when I feel sick, or sad? Sometimes, I can feel your arms around me, but sometimes I can’t. I know that being married won’t fix that, I wish I could just marry you, and that you would be with me all the time. I mean, I know you are, but sometimes it feels like you aren’t.
I think of all the excitement of first love, first kiss, engagement, preparing for the wedding, the wedding, the honeymoon, building a life together, it seems like fun. But… to be with you. Oh to be with you. I don’t want to love anything more than I love you. I won’t. I won’t love anyone more than I love you.
I want you to always be the focus. The reason for life. I want to marry because I can experience your love better. Oh can’t I marry you? Someone who is so like you that I fall more in love with you as I fall in love with him?
That’s what I want it to be about. A divine love affair.
I want to live as one already in love. Engaged to be married, excited about our honeymoon, Jesus. I want to live as one who is already spoken for, and not looking to be stolen away. I know that’s not what love is, or what it shouldn’t be. In uniting with someone, I become one flesh so we are still united with you, but…. I want it to be someone that loves you more than me. Because then I can see what his love aspires to be.
I want someone to fall in love with me because of the way that I love you. That’s the reason. I want to be in your love, and not need anything else. I’m not there yet.
You get one shot at love on this earth, and I don’t want it to be something that turns me away from my first love- you.
Friends can be friends. Anyone can be anyone’s friend. But… love… don’t waste it. Don’t waste time thinking about it because you are already in love.
Won’t you be my first love? You are my first love. You are my first love. You are my first love. But… can’t I just stay in a constant state of infatuation? Or trust? Or whatever love brings? Why do I ever have to leave this place of longing? Can’t my heart always cry out for more of you, and long to be touched by you? Why does it wander? DO you go? I don’t think you do.
Then why do I hear of stories of people saying that you didn’t talk to them for awhile?
Or this summer, why couldn’t I feel you? Regardless, you are incredible, and deserve worship, but… is it bad that I want more than that? I want to be in love with you. Is that just immaturity?
I was thinking the other day- what if there wasn’t salvation for me? How would that change? You are still worthy of praise. You are still incredible, and deserve to have my praises.
I would still praise you because you always deserve it.
But to praise is different than to love. It is different than being in love. I don’t think that you just want subjects, I think you want lovers. Is that right?
I want to love you more, but I don’t think that I understand it as well as I should. What does it mean to love someone.
We love because you first loved us. To love you, I don’t have to had experience love, because you are love. If I’m in you, I am in love.
If I’m in you, then I am in love.
So it’s not just a feeling but an identity? It’s not a state of being, but it is who I am. Always.
Even when I don’t feel it. I am in love.
Are you in love with me?
If you are love, and you call me to you… are you in love with me?
