After 4 plane rides, 3 vans, 1 bus, 20 degrees to 85 degrees, and 70+ hours of travel, we are safely at our new ministry site in Kulim, Malaysia. We have been here since Thursday, and already we are loving the new experiences…. Specifically the genuine smiles from everyone we pass and the delicious roti (a bread tortilla type thing that is seared…delicious!!) served 24/7! Our host family is absolutely wonderful and some of the most hospitable people I have ever met; We’ve already been to their house for tea time 🙂 Pastor Mark is constantly concerned that we “have some good time.” His wife, Tina, sat talking with us for about 2 hours the other morning telling us all about the great food to try and asking us questions about our lives. I am very much looking forward to supporting the Vineyard Church ministries this month.
I have really enjoyed sharing the countless blessings of this journey with you all, and I want to let you in a bit further in attempt to express what exactly all of these gifts have meant for my heart. There’s something so divine about going out with hopes to bless others, and in turn being the one who receives life like never before- as it turns out, over the last 4 months, The Lord has been doing some pretty big things within me.
The Holy Spirit is always trying to speak to us. I came on this journey, hoping to hear His voice in a way I never have before. I want to converse with God. But more than that, I want to encounter Him in a way that we live so close it’s really an undefinable communion, not just an isolated conversation. In the months leading up to my leave date in September, my soul was in pure bliss. Nothing in my life had ever felt more right. That first month in Panama, everything was so new and exciting- my heart continued to overflow with the power of Christ’s Presence in and all around me. You can imagine my confusion when all of those feelings blew away in the wind right along with the dust from the bus that took us into Costa Rica.
I felt like I was being challenged in Costa Rica to find a way to connect with Him in a genuine way. I couldn’t figure out how else to be open. There were beautiful miracles happening all around me, yet I struggled the entire month to “feel” God’s Presence. (Some of you may have read my blog ‘More Than a Feeling’ …praise Jesus His Presence has nothing to do with how I feel!) Nonetheless, though I continued to seek Him out, I began to feel lonely for the Spirit to return. It was on top of a mountain in the middle of the slums that I heard a whisper reminding me that I can be alone with Him whenever I choose. Alone is a mindset, and I can find Him in all places, and at all times. I felt encouraged by the end of the month.. I knew without any question that He was, indeed, there (of course He had been there all along!), but I was still longing to discern His position.
Going into Nicaragua, as we drove up the winding road to the top of a mountain, I began to feel a peace in my soul. This is our playground. This is You and Me. Being in nature has always been a place that I feel highly connected to God… and our God is a faithful one 🙂 It was this place He would use to speak to me without a shadow of a doubt what He meant: I needed to search more earnestly in prayer. I continued to hear that whispered through our early morning time together, yet I didn’t understand what more I could do to experience this deeper connection. One morning I specifically prayed, “Father, can you reveal a piece to me that might be something you want from me. Some way you need me to connect with you. Maybe I am only going half way. I want more of you, and I want more from you.” It was after a Sunday church service just 5 days later, a man I did not know came up to me, telling me that the Holy Spirit wishes to speak to me but there are some blocks I need to remove. He told how The Lord needed me to go deeper into prayer. This man, who I had never even seen before and who didn’t even speak the same language as me, described how the Holy Spirit has a ministry for my hands He wants to share, but He needs you to press deeper. Wow. I came on this trip ready to surrender my life to His calling… Needless to say, that rocked me pretty hard. I had to find a way to dig in. I knew my Heavenly Father placed me in an environment where we could really communicate, and after receiving those words in church, I took Him up on the invitation to spend an entire day just me and Him. So when my team decided to go into Matagalpa for the day/night, I felt like this would be a great opportunity to really get some QT with my Father. What a break through… this was by far one of the best days I have ever had in my life, and certainly one of the best on the Race so far. I prayed with my whole heart, I worshiped Him in such a desperate way that elated my soul unlike any other thing I’ve experienced, and I opened myself up completely. I went through with Him and listed out all my fears and issues on my heart.
–I have to take just a moment to break here to glorify how God works all things together for our good. I never would have learned about taking an introspective look at your fears and resentments had it not been for where I was working the 2 years before coming on the Race. His timing is perfect, and the way He orchestrates our lives is flawless–
He revealed some fears [blocks] I have as they pertain to Him. Fears I felt were directed to others around me, but never towards Him. How foolish it is to attempt to hide parts of myself I didn’t want Him to see, when He is the creator of my heart. He showed me that I don’t have to be afraid with Him, and that if I pray to have these fears removed- He will gladly take them. So that’s what I did… I took out that loose leaf paper where I had written out my fears, I touched it with my hand, and I humbly asked God to remove these blocks from my heart. How mighty is His love that all I would have to do is ask, and He would deliver. Since that day, I walk in freedom from the lies that perpetuate fears that are never from my Savior. I still choose to pray over those fears nearly daily, knowing that I am human and therefore am bound to take steps backwards. Moving into a new, deeper trust doesn’t mean my searching is over- but it is actually beginning. Now I can delve further into prayer and conversation to lift up my fears and continue to remove blocks so that I can hear His voice.
This journey has already turned into more than I could have imagined, and though I don’t know what hardships and celebrations lie ahead, the thought of 7 more months in this environment to be pushed to trust more completely and to follow more closely is a path I will gladly continue. I think the most exciting discovery thus far is that this love affair doesn’t stop after month 11; The growth in my relationship with my Creator has radically changed my life and my perspective. . I am at the most beautiful place now where there is nothing left but to have God lead the way, and I am more than prepared to live the rest of my life in this way.
I am incredibly grateful for all of your support and blessings. This has truly been the most meaningful experience, and I am awakening in new and different ways all the time. I look forward to sharing this next leg of my walk with you all!
