Loving and loosing, kicking and screaming, praying and pausing… and a million other bends in the road. That, in a nutshell is how I got here. Far and away, faith is the reoccurring theme.
I have always had a relationship with the Lord. Though, it has had it’s ups and downs for sure, I have always felt Him alive in my heart. The degree to which I feel that Love has always been relevant to me. Sometimes I am farther away than He would like, but without fail He awaits for me to turn closer and closer. As a child, I thought of the bible as a book of stories. As a teen, I began to view the gospel as suggestions for how a “good” Christian should behave. Now, as a young adult, my walk with the Lord has shown me that the gospel is a direct call to my heart from my Creator. It answers, “What is my purpose?” “Where do I go?” How do I grow closer to You?” This is the first time in my life that I feel I am actually pursuing His purpose for me.
Anyone who has spent any length of time with me will tell you, I can be indecisive to a quite frustrating level. I have attempted at some point to some level to become a high school Biology teacher, a nurse, a health educator for third world countries, an occupational therapist, and probably a number of other fleeting endeavors– or so I tried to believe. If you were to read my journal, you would see my heart for the lost and broken poured out page after page. I have always had this inexplicable feeling that Jesus was actually speaking directly to me saying, “Go, sell your possessions and give to the poor… then come, follow me.” Not like read this passage and feel something sparked in you, but that He is directly speaking one on one to me… holler if you can relate?
How is it that I felt something so strong, for so long, down to the very fabric of my soul, yet I tried so many other avenues to fill that void. Simple: I failed to realize my place and His purpose. Who am I to question the One who chose me when He planned creation -Ephesians 1:11-12. The one who knew me before I was even formed in the womb -Jeremiah 1:5 I draw confidence in His promises; the words that I feel so strongly about, that I have them permanently with me: but God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. -Romans 5:8 That’s present tense, demonstrates, as in He’s doing it now. He knew us, you guys. He KNEW my heart, my sinfulness, my pain and shame, and guess what? He STILL died for me. On the cross. Endured agony beyond our wildest dreams. For my heart, and for yours. That is borderline incomprehensible. To me, that is God saying, “Anna, get over yourself.. I already know you. You don’t have to hide, my love. I have called you, you are mine. Come now.”
Why now? God speaks in ways I can understand. He talks until I’m ready to listen. Since a major awakening my senior year of college (more on that later), He has more or less yelled at me through various people, places, books, and situations. It’s all adding up to now- to this moment.
So now, after 26 years of attempting to stumble towards my Father in heaven, I’m throwing down everything that has weighed me down and gotten in the way, and I’m running for my life…literally. They say hind sight is always 20/20, but right here, right now, I’m all eyes on the present.
“You are Lord of all creation. Author of salvation. Where else can I go?”
