Holy Enough

I have been extremely remiss in my blogging duties. For that I apologize. Life’s been a little busy lately! I’ll try to be better. This one’s been floating around in my head for weeks now…
 
 
During the Good Friday service at my church this year, after the message, the pastor invited us to pray for several minutes with the person or people we were with, or even just someone near us. They had just concluded an event called 24 hours of prayer where people had come together to pray with each other. They signed up for hour-long times to be there and just prayed. I figured if they could pray for 24 hours straight, I could handle a couple of minutes. I happened to be there with a friend who was visiting from out of town, so I sat up, thinking I’d pray with her. I sat there, head bowed, eyes closed…absolutely silent. The words wouldn’t come. I begged them to come. But they stayed stubbornly inside my head.
 
I was so frustrated. I love words. But in that moment, they failed me. Why? Why could I not pray?
 
That moment reaffirmed one of my biggest worries about going on the World Race…I’m not great at speaking in front of people. Especially about my faith. Bring up Jesus and I trip over words like the bricks on my college campus. Why is this? I love Jesus. I want people to know that. But I get very nervous when someone wants me to tell them WHY I love Jesus.
 
My introversion has been explicitly confirmed. On the personality test I took, I was firmly in that category…80% firm. I stick to small groups,; I don’t draw attention to myself. That’s just how I am. That’s how God made me, right? Does that mean I can’t do this? What if I’m not faithful enough? What if I don’t love Jesus the right way? Is the World Race meant for me?
 
NO. Wait. These words—these questions—are from the devil. They are trying to keep me from going into the world to share the love of Christ. I won’t let them stop me. I will go. I will shout it from the mountaintops: I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!
 
Okay, maybe I’m not to that point yet. The mountaintop is metaphorical. But I will let the message pour from my heart if not my words: I LOVE JESUS!!!!!! My words might be quiet, but my heart will be loud.
 
I don’t doubt that the mission field will be a challenge for me. But I am certain I need to be there. Yes, that moment of silence when I tried to pray—on Good Friday of all days—was disconcerting. But there was something else I thought about that Easter weekend as well: Jesus did not sacrifice his life on the cross because I am perfect, but because HE IS.
 
So maybe sometimes words get lost in the minefield of my brain. Maybe I can’t pray for an hour straight. But I can love. I can love fiercely. And maybe that is how God wants me to share His Word. For now, anyway. And then maybe one day I will be able to speak it. When the words are ready, they will come. And they will come from Him. I will simply be the messenger. And I will shout it from the rooftops.