I feel like the letter X is sending mixed signals. When you’re searching for buried treasure, X marks the spot. But when you take a test, X means you got it wrong.
At 1:30 last Monday morning, unable to sleep—despite my exhaustion—and thinking about the World Race, the results from my Myers-Briggs personality test crept into my mind and I tried to remember what my letters were. I remembered taking it in high school and having the letters INTJ. I couldn’t remember what the N stood for, and I was pretty sure this time I was an X instead of an N. So I logged in to my profile and looked at my results…
IXFJ
Deciding to find out what those letters said about me, I clicked on the link offering to explain the results. That was the point where I realized that the N I got in high school meant iNtuitive. Its partner was Sensing. But wait, why the X? There was then a chart that listed all 16 possible results. My result was not among them. It’s the X. There is no X. Except I got an X. So did I find gold or did I fail the test?
The second letter in the Myers-Briggs type indicator is about how we process information. It asks, “Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning?” It doesn’t actually surprise me that I managed to split that category right down the middle, which is what that X actually indicates I did. I was 10 for sensing and 10 for intuition. Because I know I do both of these things. Sometimes I rely on intuition, but sometimes I agonize over interpretation. I think it’s the literature-lover and the writer-wannabe in me. But still, an X?! It just seems so mean. Like I failed a personality test. (Along with a half-time reliance on intuition and a half-time reliance on interpretation comes a full-time habit of making fun of myself.)
So I took a deep breath, closed the window with the giant red X (Oh yeah, I also hyperbolize), and began to peruse other parts of my profile. I began to read about my blogging responsibilities and saw that one of my first blog posts is supposed to be about my expectations for the Race. Honestly, I hadn’t really planned to do this, to write out concrete expectations, because I want (and need) to keep an open mind. I was trying to expect the unexpected. How could I possibly come up with any expectations that would be as good as the plans God has for me?! I can’t anticipate what’s to come. To me, part of the decision to go on the World Race is about relinquishing control. In my mind, relinquishing control also meant letting go of expectations.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
But really, expectations aren’t a bad thing. One thing I’m sure of is that my expectations will not only be met, they will be exceeded. There is no way I could list an expectation that God would not be able to fulfill. Even so, I think I’ll keep my expectations vague, because there’s also no way my meager human brain could know enough of what’s to come. So here are some safely unspecific expectations I have for the World Race:
1. I expect that my heart will break for families, women, and children trapped in hopelessness.
2. I expect that I will fall in love with street kids and orphans in every country we serve.
3. I expect that every time we have to leave those groups of kids, I will be incredibly sad.
4. I expect that every time I am sad because I had to leave one group of children, I will be greeted by a new group of children that will immediately bring joy to my heart again.
5. I expect that I will be homesick by month three at the latest.
6. I expect that I will find a new family in my team that will be my home wherever we go.
7. I expect that I will desperately long for some extended alone time at least once a week.
8. I expect that I will have moments of selfishness where all I want is a hot shower, clean towel, and a warm bed with a soft pillow.
9. I expect that I will grieve for what I might be missing at home, as I miss birthdays, holidays, and time with the people I love most.
10. I expect that I will be changed, permanently and irrevocably, for the better, and that no matter how difficult things will inevitably get at one time or another, I will be so glad I did this.
11. I expect that, right now, God is saying, Oh Anna, you have no idea. But that’s okay. Come along with me. Let me show you what I will do for you.
Having expectations doesn’t mean I’m setting myself up to be disappointed. In fact, I think I’m setting myself up to be amazed. Because like I said, I don’t know the half of it. I’ve never been a fan of personality tests. I don’t like that it attempts to define and confine me. But that’s okay. Because I have a feeling I’m about to be redefined.
So what about that X? Well…
I’m pretty sure I found gold.
