It’s early morning and I’m sitting on a friend’s porch in a run-down neighborhood of Detroit. It’s cold for June, but it’s beautiful, quiet, and the sun is beaming. I look around the neighborhood and see the people are poor but they do their best to keep their yards nice. A porch is collapsing, yet one neighbor is painting a fresh coat of white on it. As I curl up in my sweatshirt and watch the irony, I try to consolidate my thoughts on the previous week’s World Race training camp.
I went into training camp fully anticipating experiencing God’s vast love and power -an “awakening of the soul” type of deal. For me, God’s love has always been head knowledge. I read the Psalms and think, “Yeah, that sounds about right,” and soon forget it. The space between my head and heart is separated by more than just my shoulders.
Driving to Atlanta I remember thinking, “I’m going to experience God’s love so powerful this week, I won’t worry at all. It’s going to be real and I know I will be able to handle everything. I’m meeting Christians wanting to serve God for the rest of their lives, tripled with awesome worship and leadership conferences-'How can I not, right Lord?'”
Well I did have all of that- but not the feeling of God’s power and love. As the week went on it became more daunting and my expectations demanding. I became frustrated. I knew the Lord was near, but it didn’t come.
“Grieving The Seasons” was a sermon that I started to obtain resolution. The basis expanded on importance of dealing and healing from all the pain and lies you’ve had in your life. If not, you build up walls-walls shutting you from the love of God. The key to unlocking joy is unlocking your losses.
In the midst of prayer and worship (you know, the kind you're complaining to God to draw nearer, stating you would have more faith if he would 'throw-a-dog-a bone?'), I felt an eerie silence, and then a sudden presence.
“Your structure is collapsing!” I felt it as if God spoke directly to me. “If you haven’t experienced the pain, how do you know how far my grace goes? You demand my love, but how do I show you my love when you don’t even know what it is? The fundamentals, the bare existence of love, You can’t even begin to understand.”
The Christian identity to many of us is much like the porch situation. The entire frame of how we see God and his love is collapsing, but yet we often try to paint an exterior look of freshness-as if we have it all together. God as our daddy, our protector, or deepest sense of romance (like the Psalms) is a “nice idea,” yet we idolize and obsess over going to church every Sunday or doing the "right" things to look like a good person.
We need to stop painting our porches and get real with God.
I didn’t feel God’s love at training camp, but I learned some strong truths. I need to deal with my demons and stop pretending I'm fine. God is real. Awesome worship, awesome Christians and an awesome experience isn’t going to get me closer to God. God works on his own time. God wants to heal me, he wants to show me his love, but he wants to do it just for me- In the mundane of the day, only for me.
