To say I've been in a bit of a funk is an understatement.
Everywhere I went logically I could see God working in my life, but I couldn't feel it. Not even a little bit.
"It was frustrating" is also an understatement.
The other week I was asked to go to a Wednesday night church service by an old coworker- he was preaching. I knew I was supposed to go. The whole sermon was about God always being near to us, no matter where we go. He's with us in the depths, in our troubles, when we think we're hiding …. “but what about when you show up to a church service?” I thought. Here I was trying to feel near. I could see God working through others in the aisles, but for me: Nothing.
However, the scripture from the sermon stood out to me. God was telling Moses to go with the Israelites to the Promised Land, but was saying he was not going to go with them, because they were a "stiffed-necked people," and he might "destroy them on the way." (Exodus 33:3). Woah. From there, Moses argued with God:
"Then Moses said to him, 'If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?'” (Exodus 33: 15-16)
Yes. This was exactly how I felt about the World Race. I prayed and prayed for God's presence. He was silent.
The next day I went on a hike by myself. Nature, little to no distractions. It's usually the best combination for my God talks. Again he was quiet and seemingly unavailable. I even started to think I was going crazy when I noticed the wind was moving the trees all around, yet I didn't feel it myself. I thought, "Can I feel anything at all?"
I've never been so frustrated. I felt so empty, so alone, and never more distant from God. I was struggling to get into my Bible. I didn't even want to. I went to church… the sermon was over the religious debate between baptism as an infant or baptism as an adult. Perfect. Nothing like a sermon on baptism rituals to pump you up for the week. Not to mention it was an hour and a 1/2 long… so I think. I left early.
I came home from church just feeling miserable. A horrible Christian.
I happened to talk to one of my World Race sisters and she asked me how I was doing. I just felt an impulse to be completely open on how awful and unchristian I was feeling. It turned out she was feeling the exact same way. People say misery loves company; it's true. I instantly realized it was an attack on our squad opposed to just me. I immediately started praying for our team. I stopped being selfish and pitying myself.
And then God responded. I received a voicemail from a sweet couple from my parent's church at home. A couple I honestly don't know very well. They had heard about my World Race trip from their son, and they wanted to donate $5,000! I'm not really sure why my natural instinct associated with excitement is running… but I was sprinting back and forth in my apartment. And squealing a little. You know how it goes.
So like time after time I've learned, God provides. Yes, even when you can't feel him. He's there with you, even when you're pretty sure you're as far away as possible. He's letting you know you're worthy, you're meant for purpose, and he still wants you to do what he has called.
