When I heard that my squad was going to be in India I wasn’t too thrilled about it. Okay yes I’ve heard some great things about this country and everyone I know loves it, but I have never really had that big of a desire to go. But as I prepared to enter this country I prayed that God would move in big ways so that I wouldn’t have a negative outlook on the country and so he could change my heart towards it. Then I heard stories from past World Racers about Sarah’s Covenant Homes and how much they loved it. So I just wished that I could go there, and witness for myself.
When I found out that my team was at SCH, I was excited! Did I know yet what was in store for me? No! I literally had no idea! I just thought I was going to a Children’s Home and I’d get to play with kids for a month until I moved onto the next country. That first day at SCH we were given a tour of the houses and told which children would be paired up with a one-on-one and that we had to choose which one we wanted to be paired up with. That was when I saw her.
She was a tiny little blimp on the bed. She looked like she couldn’t be more than 4 months old. She had spindly little legs and hands and at her side was a clear plastic bag, and a red muscle moving inside. She was looking at everyone with wide eyes, and a surprised expression. Her face looked much older than she truly was, like she was an old woman stuck in a baby’s body.
The moment I saw her I couldn’t look away and something happened to my heart.
That night her face and just all of her wouldn’t leave my mind. They told us to pray about which child we believed God wanted us to be with. I didn’t need to pray. I couldn’t get her off my mind and I knew she was mine. She was intended for me. That night I dreamt of her and the next morning I woke up with her name on my lips.
Cara
Her tiny spider-like hands.
Her big beautiful dark brown eyes with those long eyelashes.
Her round little cheeks and sweet puckered lips.
Her perfectly round head with soft black hair.
The colostomy bag on her side that keeps her exposed colon from the outside world and reminds us that she is a fighter.
Her funny baby babble.
The strength in her body that allows her to sit up so straight.
The way she will look into my eyes like she is reading my soul.
The way she gently touches my face with her fingers as if she’s never seen anything like me before.
Her smile that lights up her face when I walk in.
The way she fits perfectly in my arms as if they were meant for her.
It is for these reasons that I fell in love with a little 10 month old baby in India.
This is why we came here. This is why I came to India. God wanted me to love a child who was not my own. How can I love someone so much who doesn’t even belong to me? I didn’t carry Cara for 9 months. I didn’t go through a painful labor to bring her into this world. I wasn’t even present for her surgery when she was a day old to save her colon, but also expose it to the world at the same time. I wasn’t even there for the first 10 months of her life. I won’t be there for the next years, to watch her grow up.
I can’t claim her and yet I love her with all that I am. My heart yearns for her. I miss her when I’m not with her. When I see her I can’t help but pick her up and just hold her in my arms. I think about her all the time. I feel like she is part of me, and I am part of her. I know that she is in a safe place, and that God has given her a family that will love and take care of her. I also know that I made a difference to her. She knows me now. She lights up when I walk in a room and puts her hands out to go into my arms right away.
I might not be there for the rest of her life, but I know for certain that she will be in my heart for the rest of mine.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll come back to India and SCH one day!! Maybe circumstances would allow me to adopt Cara or a child like her! Maybe I’ll never see her again!
However it plays out I will always remember that one time in India that I fell in love with a baby, and filled a hole in my heart that I never knew was there.
