Health, bad or good, is the story of every human being’s life. We judge our days with how we feel. This can be mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Either way feelings are essential to our lives. I have a lot of feelings going on right now. I have a lot of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual things going on that its making it hard to think or function. But something really struck me the other day and put my pain into perspective.
I walked into the nursery of Sarah’s Covenant Home where I am doing ministry this month. I am working with the sickest babies a this home. There is a little baby boy who has something called “Butterfly syndrome”. It is a skin condition, that causes his skin to break out into painful blisters and to bleed at the slightest friction. He is the sweetest little boy, but he deals with a huge range of pain. When I came in the other day he has several new blisters that had not been there before. They covered his face and neck, and he was in so much pain all he could do was sleep and whimper. He is a baby, just over a year old, and he lives in daily pain. He is fragile and the slightest touch could ruin his whole day. It made me painfully sad to see him like this. But then it also made me think about my own situation and the things I am dealing with, and I realized that he has every right to be frustrated with his situation. He has every right to be mad, even if he’s too young to understand what that means.
But what about me? Am I allowed to be frustrated? When I’ve been healthy for 3 years and suddenly I’m having migraines and side pains and knee problems at a time when I really don’t need it to happen! I’m not asking God why anymore, I’m over that, I just accept them as they come. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to be mad or frustrated though. Is it okay for me to say that though? Is it okay to be mad? I’m not blaming God I’m just upset at the situation. I’m not feeling pity on myself, I’m just frustrated with the way things are turning out!
Since I was little I’ve dealt with bad knees. Had a couple rounds of Physical Therapy over the years, some random injuries, but then in 2010 I woke up with a swollen knee and unable to bend it. In 2011, after PT for an impingement, I had surgery to remove the scar tissue. That was 4 years ago. Since then my knees have been good, they’ve been strong and I haven’t injured them. That is until last month when all I did was sit on a cramped bus and move the wrong way, resulting in a painfully sprained knee. Great….. even the simple task of just living can put me out for weeks…….. is it too much to ask for the chance to run and dance without risking serious injury?
I can remember my first migraine. I was ten years old and it felt like someone was hitting my head with a hammer. My mom told me it was a migraine and I had to lay in the dark for hours until it went away. Since then my headaches have developed into nausea and vomiting along with the pounding and throbbing. Dandy huh? They use to happen just 1 or 2 times a year, but back in 2011 again I was suffering from daily nausea and extreme vertigo. Come to find out that I was having silent migraines, a strange phenomenon where I get all the side effects of migraines without the headache part. Great! So I went on medication and it was getting better. By 2014 I wasn’t taking the medication at all because I hadn’t had a single migraine in over a year! Yay! I come on the race and 4 months in I have my first migraine on the race and it was rough!! Massive pounding headache, throwing up, and my body was drained of all energy! One month later, BAM! Another one hits, this one worse, and I couldn’t even hold my head straight cuz all lights and sounds made me so dizzy that it took all my energy to run to the bathroom. Here I am month 7 and I’ve had two more since then and am now one week into a constant headache that has been resting behind my eyes……. should I be concerned? Maybe. Am I allowed to be frustrated? Please say yes, because I am. I want to cry with how infuriating this is, to have to live with such things! God knows how much I rely on him. God knows that I am doing my best to lean on him. And God also allows us to grieve. He allows us to cry, and to feel our pain. So I am feeling my pain. I am not dwelling on it, that is why I am writing this blog, I need to get it out and say what I feel!
Here comes the icky part. I have dealt with….. lets say woman issues my whole life. One of those issues has been pain. Pain in the right side of my lower abdomen. I had a cyst when I was 15 that was taken care of with medication. Fast forward to winter 2011 and I’ve been off medication for 6 months trying for a healthier, natural way of living, and still having no proper diagnosis as to what is going on. The pain comes every day, a constant pressure and occasional sharp pain in my lower abdomen. It gets so bad that by February my doctor is telling me that with the negative test results coming in the only solution is a diagnostic surgery. Yes please! So April 2012, almost exactly 1 year after my knee surgery, I have a diagnostic laparoscopy that changed my world. She found two growths that indicated endometriosis! Finally an answer to my problems! After the surgery my life got awesome! My headaches went away, as did my side pain and my woman issues!! Following along the natural path with a new explanation for the unanswered questions in my life! That was 3 years ago. In July, just before training camp, I started having the side pain return. Really? Seriously??? Now? When I’m about to leave the country for 11 months!! Talking with my doctor I went back on medication reluctantly, and its been fine. But silly insurance company issues, I wasn’t able to get all 11 months worth of medications. This was after fighting on the phone with insurance for hours on end, being connected to five different people, to find out I could only get 6 months worth…..okay no big deal, I prefer natural medicine anyways, so I’ll just deal with it the last 5 months of the race. Well here I am having just finished my very last round of medication. Guess what? You guessed it my side hurts….. but its not so bad really! I mean its not so bad I can’t deal with it, its definitely not the worst pain in the world, so I’ll take it. But still, why now?
We all suffer from something at some point, and yes we must turn to God. But God also says to mourn. He gives us permission to mourn. Don’t be afraid to look at your situation for what it is and say “I’m pissed off!” Because its just too hard to be strong all the time. But that’s why we have God right? That is why Jesus died on the cross. So that we don’t have to be strong all the time, because He will be strong for us. So let it out! I am! I’m letting it out! I’m upset and I’m mad, and I’m going to be frustrated! Please don’t show me pity, because I don’t really pity myself! I’m just trying to talk about how I feel! So that when I feel God’s peace and joy it will feel even that much sweeter and better!
Jeremiah 31:9 With weeping they shall come, and with pleas for mercy I will lead them back, I will make them walk by brooks of water, in a straight path in which they shall not stumble, for I am a father to Israel, and Ephraim is my firstborn.
