“When you don’t move the mountains I’m needing you to move. When you don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through. When you don’t give the answers as I cry out to you. Still I will trust in you.” {{Lauren Daigle}}
It’s been over 256 days since I packed all of my “necessities” in a backpack and left on an adventure that would forever change how I viewed myself, how I viewed God, and how I viewed the world.
For 8 months I had the privilege to live in a community that hungered for the things of God. They pursued God with their whole heart and learned to pursue those around them as well. They walked beside one another and called each other higher into the person God had created them to be. These people became my family and some of my closest friends. They encouraged me and believed in me before I truly believed in myself. On my journey to find myself, I found a community of sojourners on a mission to learn more about God, serve his people and pour out their hearts into the lives of the lost, the broken, and the hopeless.
I’ve learned a lot in these past 9 months. I’ve learned to take the time to actually listen for God’s voice instead of continually asking over and over for the answers I didn’t take time to hear. I’ve learned that you grow the most when you step outside your comfort zone, leave behind your fears and solely rely on God. I’ve learned to let people into my heart because being vulnerable is a strength, not a weakness. I’ve learned to look for God in every moment of the day and have found him wherever I searched. I’ve learned to dwell with him in the hard times, and also in the times that are filled with joy and laughter. I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be okay, but to always take my pain and lay it before my Father. I’ve learned to allow God’s crazy, indescribable, incomprehensible love to come in and change the way I saw myself as well as the people around me. I’ve learned to find beauty in the brokenness and have seen God’s children rise from the rubble. And more than anything, I have learned that in my darkest hour, when my heart seems shattered beyond repair, God is right there holding me in his arms, giving me strength and peace, and healing the sharp, jagged edges of my broken heart.
Today should have been the day that I was coming home. Instead it has been over five weeks since I got the news that my nephew had passed away and my heart was shattered, seemingly beyond repair. My dreams of our reunion where Logan would run into my arms for the first time in nine months has changed to dreaming of someday joining him in heaven and a longing to join him there.
The grief is so deep, but everyday I chose to trust in God’s goodness. I chose to believe that he has a purpose and a plan and it’s not to harm us but to help us prosper. I trust that he is a good father and his promises are true.
When you lose someone you love that much, you grieve that loss forever. It’s not something you get over but you learn to live with it. You heal and you rebuild yourself around the loss you suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same.
Over the past weeks, a lot of people have ask how I’m doing and I usually don’t know how to answer them. I can’t begin to describe the range of emotions that I feel. I feel as if the world around me has become one of chaos and confusion. And yet, I remain free of that chaos. From the minute I had my flight info in hand and was leaving my ministry base in the Philippines, a peace washed over me. It is a peace that passes all understanding. All of the chaos and turmoil that was raging within me stilled and God calmed the storm within me. At a time when I should have felt completely alone, I knew I wasn’t. These past weeks have been filled with so many ups and downs. Sometimes life seems fairly normal and other time the grief comes out of nowhere and overwhelms me. In the midst of attempting to regain some normalness in my life, God has surrounded me with peace and has given me strength to face the days ahead.
“Jesus is always more. More than what? Think of the most astronomical thing you can, and Jesus is more. More than sin or sickness. More than tragedies, tsunamis, wars or famines. Jesus is more than the darkest season of your soul. He is more than your weaknesses. He is more than your problems. He is more than your finiteness. Whatever you’re facing, he’s more. Whatever you’re worried about, he’s more. Jesus never fails. There is nothing in this life or in the life to come that could alter the moreness of Jesus. He transcends and supercedes. He overcomes and outlasts. Jesus is more.” {{Judah Smith}}
I want to thank each of you for supporting me on this journey. It has changed my life and I am so thankful for all the love and prayers I have received along the way. I couldn’t have done it without you guys.
