Being cold is possibly the worst feeling. In many parts of the world we have the luxury of turning on a heater or making a hot bowl of soup to keep us warm, but what happens when you are in a hostel made of clay in the freezing cold weather with no way of getting warm? You get a frozen heart.
The night was honestly a blur. I remember hiking all day to where my hot sweat would quickly turn cold every time we stopped for a break. We finally got to the village where we would sleep for the night, and the only thing I wanted to do was hide away in my sleeping bag.
Cold was an understatement. My body was freezing.
I’ve been in the cold before, but never like this and never at such a high elevation.
I tried to take a nap and fell asleep for about an hour before dinner. When I woke up my body began to fiercely shiver, and I was confused as to where I was. I just couldn’t get warm. I remember being scared and feeling like I was going to vomit, but still working up the strength to go and try to eat dinner.
At the dinner table I began to get more confused as to where I was and what was happening around me. People turned into blobs and I couldn’t steady my heart rate, nor could I really eat dinner (if you know me then you know something was really wrong ha)
I remember my squad leader asking me if I was okay, and that’s when it happened…
My heart stopped.
My chest was tense.
My body grew numb.
I felt my pulse start to rapidly beat and next thing I knew I was lying in my bed. I was wrapped in my sleeping bag and two of my teammates were basically lying on top of me. My mom had mailed me some hand warmers and they were all around my body. I have never had a seizure before, but that is really the only thing I can think of that was happening to my body.
All of my muscles were tense, my jaw was locked, and my entire body was convulsing.
“She’s dehydrated. Her body can’t regulate her temperature,” one of my teammates said as she was trying to pour warm water in my mouth.
This was it.
The closest doctor around was a witch doctor.
I was at too high of an elevation to get to civilization.
I began to fear for my life. I had three people on me at this point and two people began to pray.
Then I heard a sweet, small voice. “Anissa, take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Try to calm your heart rate. Try to relax your body.”
I did as she said and slowly my body went from convulsing to just twitching. I began to feel different parts of my body again and my frozen heart began to beat at a normal pace again. For the first time in hours my body began to experience warmth.
My frozen heart was thawing.
I’ve recently come out of a dark season in my relationship with the Lord, but I know in those seasons He is always trying to teach us something. In this season He was trying to reveal Himself to me as God my Father. It makes sense that the enemy was trying so hard during that time to disqualify me, because he knew that once I see my Father’s heart for what it really is… there would be no way of stopping me in my relationship Him. There would be no way he could discourage me in that way again. When I really lived in the freedom as God’s daughter and He revealed to me His heart and the depths of His love… when I left from slavery and into “daughtership”… nothing could stop me.
I saw God through my frozen heart that night, and He saw my frozen heart towards Him and wanted to thaw it with His love.
***Insert corny Frozen movie quote “Love can thaw a frozen heart.” ***
I saw God in Mardie. He was the sweet, small voice calming my heart and ridding me of my fears.
I saw God in Alexa. He was nurturing and caring. He comforted me. He was the first to notice me, and the first to take care of me.
I saw God in Jen. He was protective and took charge. He knew what I needed and what was best, and He put it into action.
I saw God in Andrea. He was willing… even if that meant being uncomfortable and humbling himself. He was there and He was constant.
And I saw God in Haley. He was my joy and my light. He found a way to make me laugh. lighten the mood and make me feel as everything was okay.
I couldn’t see with my eyes anything that was happening that night, but I saw God.
The next morning I woke up and our team was going down the mountain to share the Gospel with an unreached people group. This is why I came and there was no way I was hiking all of this way to miss out on it.
My body began to grow weak, and I knew in my heart God wanted me to stay back and rest. Immediatley my pride kicked in. “NO WAY” I am not missing out on this! And yet again I knew in my heart that I should stay back and let my body rest. It wasn’t a demanding feeling and it wasn’t a command, it was sweet, caring, and suggesting what was best for me.
My dad is a strong man. He is tough, he is hardheaded, and he is smart. But I know my dad and my dad knows me. My dad may look like a hard shell on the outside, but on the inside he is genuine and he cares. He has been through pain and loss, and he has sacrificed a lot for our family. He cares about people and he would never let anything touch or harm me. I know my dad. I know if my dad was in that cabin with me then he would have told me to stay home and rest. Even if there was something at the bottom of the mountain that my dad really wanted me to do, he would have cared about me too much to send me out in the cold again. Not only that… but he would have stayed with me and taken care of me.
God is an all-powerful God, yes.
He can heal, give strength, and even make the dead rise. But in that very moment God didn’t want to reveal Himself to me as powerful being. He didn’t want to show off, and send me out again. He cared more about my heart for Him, and He cared more about revealing Himself to me as a caring and loving Father. He was not upset that I “missed out”, and He was just as proud of me for staying back and praying for the team. In that very moment I learned true grace. There is nothing I do to earn or lose the love of my Father.
After Him revealing Himself to me in that way… my relationship with Him has changed drastically. When I l read through His word I know longer get confused about who He is or what He does…
This is what He wants for you too, my friend. He wants to love you as a Father, and no longer wants you to live a life trying to convince Him of anything. He knows your heart (even your frozen one) and He loves you just the same.
