As I sink deeper into the truth that there is freedom within Christ and my calling is to love Him and the people around me… I realize that there are many things I need to apologize for.
I wish it was just a single person I could go to and ask for forgiveness, but the reality of it is that there are a lot of people who need to read this and hear my heart.
I am sorry.
So sorry.
I’m sorry that I let “religion” cloud my view of what it means to truly love like Christ did.
You see… After I gave my life to Christ, I quickly turned a desire for a relationship with Him into a list of what I needed to do in order to be a “good christian”. I don’t want to blame the church, my community, or those discipling me, but the truth of the matter was that I was constantly being told what I needed to do in order to be a follower of Christ.
As a “baby in the faith”, I believed what everyone told me about Jesus. It even got to the point where people’s personal walk with Jesus would become my own. What they believed about Him, Christianity, and the church became my views as well.
I like to describe it like this… Jesus released the chains of my sin and shame, and I chose to chain myself up again with religion and pride. Jesus offered me this beautiful relationship with Him and an abundant life, but instead I tried so hard to “please Him” that I didn’t even want to spend time with Him. I didn’t know what a relationship with Jesus looked like because I thought all it was was reading my bible a lot and telling people about Him.
If I’m honest… Here is my “list” of what I believed I needed to do (and was sometimes told to do) in order to be a “good Christian”:
1. Good Christians don’t drink any alcohol. You are only supposed to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
2. If you have friends that party or make bad choices… You need to get rid of them.
3. Don’t listen to secular music because it doesn’t set your mind on Jesus. Throw all of that away.
4. You should only be surrounded by “believers” because bad company corrupts good character.
5. When you do something wrong or mess up… You shouldn’t consider yourself a leader anymore.
As I look back on my Senior year of High School and even my four years after that, I have realized that there are A LOT of people I need to apologize to. If there is anything I did in those years of serving religion and not Jesus… I drove people away from Him.
I’ll never forget sitting and watching a movie with my sister, brother in law, and his sister. There were parts I thought a “good Christian” shouldn’t see… And so I sat on the couch and covered my eyes through 30 minutes of the movie. (Yes… I’m being so serious)
I remember going to a party my Senior year and being told that I wasn’t a “good Christian” and I should repent. I remember living in shame for MONTHS after that, because I was basically being told I wasn’t “good” enough to earn grace.
I’ll never forget breaking my TAYLOR SWIFT CD’s because they weren’t beneficial to my walk with Jesus.
(Trust me… My jaw is still dropping)
I remember my relationship with my best friend since 8th grade slowly being ruined because she felt judged by me and my “new life”.
Don’t get me wrong… I in no way regret my decision to follow the Lord… I am heartbroken that I thought it meant being His servant and not His daughter.
I am devastated that I viewed those whom I loved as “bad company” just because their views were different than mine, and I can’t believe I missed opportunities to love because I was so caught up in being good enough.
So… Here is my open apology as I vulnerably admit where I went wrong. And here is my new list that I would like to explain to those who want to know what it truly means to follow Jesus:
1. Love Jesus
2. Love people
There is no such thing as a good Christian, because if you are trying to be good enough you are saying there is no need for the cross in your life. Christianity is not a checklist. It’s not the opportunity to judge those who view different than you. It’s not the chance to view yourself as “better” or “holier” because being a Christian means you admit you’re actually a dirty, pathetic sinner in need of a Savior.
I know people who drink a beer at dinner and are in the most intimate relationship with Jesus….Yet I have been in the homes of Pastors and Worship leaders that talk a Holy talk on Sunday’s but live a completely different life when no one is looking.
Hello… My name is Anissa Lotti. I listen to Taylor Swift, I sometimes slip out cuss words, I think a lot of “inappropriate” movies are funny, and I think Piña Coladas taste kinda good… But I love Jesus with all of my heart and all that I am, and my relationship with Him is mine and it’s beautiful.
“Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate, baby I’m just gonna shake shake shake shake shake shake it off”- Taylor Swift is
He’s still working on me… And that’s okay.
Religion tells you to clean yourself up and a relationship with Jesus tells you He already did that for you.
I look back on my life and wish I didn’t put my mentors on a pedestal. I wish more of them would have been honest and vulnerable with me. I wish they would have shared their weakness so that I could feel normal… Like we all were just messed up people serving a beautiful and Holy God. But instead we feel the need to hide it. We feel like we have to present ourselves to people like we’ve got it all together, but that is exactly where the enemy wants it… In the dark. When we bring our struggles to the light, THAT is where we find healing and restoration. But not only that… We also find community. We find other people going through the exact same thing we are going through, but maybe they were scared to bring it up also… Why you ask? Because of the “good Christian” mentality.
Here is truth for you:
No matter what you do… You are not good.
Sorry.
I’m not good.
You’re not good.
Your pastor is not good.
Your parents aren’t good.
That annoying girl that leads FCA is not good.
That boy who is a theologian and thinks he knows the bible inside and out isn’t good either.
There is not one good… No not even one. No one does good. No one is Holy. Holiness is displayed in us when we love Jesus, and allow His Holy Spirit to pour the love of the Father out of us onto others. He is the only good.
I’m sorry if I tried so hard in my past to be “good” that I neglected to love. I’m sorry if I made you believe that a life with Jesus was a life where all
you had to do was be “good”. I’m sorry if I’m my pursuit of “goodness” I made you feel unworthy or undeserving of grace.
Religion says do. Jesus says done.
Sin is real… Being good is not.
I promise you that following Jesus isn’t a life of chains, rules, and being “good”. It’s an abundant life of freedom. You don’t have to “prepare yourself” and you don’t have to wait until after you get all of your “crazy years” out of the way. It’s a gift. He says if you confess with your mouth that He is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you will be saved. The rest is all about letting Him take you on a journey of loving Him as your Father, and being passionately and relentlessly loved and pursued by Him.
It’s beautiful. Its exciting.
It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.
So, I’m sorry if I made you believe differently. I’m sorry to the friends I turned my back on. I’m sorry to the girls in my first girls ministry that were led to believe I had it all together. And to my family…. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I was misled, and I’m sorry I judged.
Hello… My name is Anissa Lotti. I’m a mess learning to love Jesus, and I’m living the abundant life He has for me… And it’s FRICKIN awesome.
“It’s a love story… Baby just say yes.”- Taylor Swift
