People have said I’m brave.
They say I inspire them, and they could never do what I’m about to do.
They say I am strong.
They were right.
I used to be brave.
I used to inspire.
I used to be strong.
You see…I let the Spirit within me agree in surrender before I had time to let my mind process it all. I heard God call my name and my heart was receptive, but now that I have thought about it… I’m honestly scared to go on the World Race.
I went through what was necessary to work out my faith in where God was calling me. I was in the process of fundraising, packing, and telling everyone about this next exciting step in my life, and I didn’t let my mind get in the way of what the Spirit of God was telling me.
Now I am sitting in my hotel bed after just saying goodbye to my family, and my mind has caught up to what is going on.
It’s as if it’s saying, “Have you really thought this whole thing through?! These people on your squad could never care about you as much as the people you just said goodbye to do. You’re going to be alone next year, and it would probably be better if you just stayed home. Your pack is by the door, your parents are only 45 minutes away, and you could be home in no time.”
In the past hour I sat with my thoughts and my in my flesh and it scared me. I was so wrapped up in how beautifully Jesus called me to go, that I didn’t get a chance to really think this whole thing through.
Hello… my name is Anissa and right now in this moment I don’t want to do what God is telling me to do, because I am afraid.
Now, here is the deal… If you read the above statement and thought to yourself, “Anissa is not as strong in her faith as I thought she was.”
Then I would like to take some notes from you as to how you live the life you live as a perfect Christian. It must be nice to never doubt, or at least doubt, but not tell a soul because you are supposed to be a “leader” and “to admit your weaknesses means you don’t trust Jesus.”
I think about the disciples in their quick obedience to drop their nets, and wonder if along the way their mind caught up with them and they thought ”what in the world are we doing?”
I went out to dinner with a friend a couple of weeks ago and shared my concerns about after the Race. Which is where my friend responded… “Oh, Anissa… always doubting God.”
(Insert annoyed emoji face here and eye roll GIF)
I refuse to be a follower of Jesus that does not admit my shortcomings or weaknesses.
The truth is that if you hold your doubts, insecurities and weaknesses to yourself, you are actually just leaving room for Satan to work.
If he can get you quiet…
he can make you feel alone…
If he can make you feel alone…
he can make you feel like don’t belong where God has called you…
If he can do that then he can divide you, and the people God has place around you
If he can do that he can discourage you
If he can discourage you he can try to destroy you.
I say all of that to say that I am human, and sometimes when God calls us to do something:
IT
WILL
BE
HARD
Not because it’s hard to follow Him…we do that because we love Him. It’s hard because we have to leave behind everything that makes us safe in order to truly grab hold of the exciting adventure that awaits us when we drop our nets.
If there is anything you will read in my blogs … it is honesty. I never want people to think, “Oh, Anissa is doing that, but I never could.” I want their thoughts to be, “If Anissa can do it, I can do it.”, Because the truth is we are all broken, messed up people serving a Holy and perfect God.
We can’t acknowledge the resurrection that brought us to life, without acknowledging our sin that caused His death. We are called to not be people who hear the Gospel once, but people who live it out daily. Though we fall short, He rises again within us and does what we cannot do.
There are so many people in scripture I admire for their faith, and dedication to the Lord.
But here is the beautiful truth I chose to hold on to. Over and over again we see God reaching down to BROKEN sinful people, and calling them to do His greatest work!
I mean… come on! Moses killed a dude and then ran from God, but God reached down through His brokenness and called Him to free His people from slavery.
The brokenness is beautiful. It is needed, and it is not to be ignored.
JESUS HIMSELF before walking up Calvary’s mountain asked God to take this cup of suffering away from Him. We serve a perfect daddy who wants to sit in our brokenness with us, for it is there His perfect love is revealed. There is no mask we need to wear, no fake self we need to put on, and nothing we need to do in order to receive Him. While other people may look away during our brokenness, He chooses to not only see us in it but experience it with us.
We have got to drop the pride within us that tells us there is something we can do to earn His grace and His love.
So, yes… I think about the disciples and the different people in scripture whose minds finally caught up with what God called them to do.
The more filled you are with Spirit… the quieter and quieter the voices in your head of fear and doubt will become. I can promise you this… the moments the disciples were fearful or doubted were incredibly overwhelmed by the time they got to spend with Jesus and the ways they saw Him work.
Bring to light even the deepest, darkest thoughts of your mind and let them have no authority in your life. When you speak them you defeat them, and your doubts and insecurities have no power over you. And not only are you acknowledging He is your strength, but you are giving others comfort and power to the same.
