Jesus put me in Time out.

Maybe it is because I have worked with children for too long or maybe it is because I am a child at heart, but I feel like Jesus put me in time out.
For those of you who need to know let me tell you the anatomy of a time out.
The build up: Sometimes it is a punch in the face, jumping off the tables, yelling and calling people names, refusing to do things when asked that land you in the time out chair. Other times it is a slow and steady stubbornness that builds up to a point that it can no longer be tolerated.
 
The walk over: This can be the worst part. This is where you calmly take the hand of the unruly child walk them over and sit them in the chair that has been dubbed “The Time Out Chair”. You say something along the line of “you are sitting in time out because _____ and I want you to think about why it is wrong”.
 
The waiting: This is the time out part, the part where you are asked to sit out of the game. This is where you watch the child’s face and body language to see if they are ready to change their behavior.
 
The Follow up: Here you look the child in the eyes ask why they had to sit in “time out”. Then you ask if they are ready to come back and behave or act like you asked them to in the first place.  If they seem ready you take their hand and lead them back to being part of the game.
 

It has been a slow build up that landed me here. It was a slow and crafty stubbornness. Buried in a life of ministry I have told God that I can do this on my own one too many times. One too many times I looked up and said ‘I got this’, one too many times I reached for strength within myself, decided  pull on my ‘big girl pants’ and fake it till I make it.  Well it got to me. I spent the summer pouring my life into 9 amazing high school girls. I spent two weeks at home fundraising for the world race and reconnecting with friends. Then I headed to the great city of Denver to live, and work in the Youth Department at the Denver Rescue Mission. It has been an amazing experience and I love it but to say that it has not all lead to burn out would be a lie. I love these amazing people in my life and it is my heart to love them as best as possible; but honestly some days I feel like I am spread too thin, and over committed. How can I really love people when I have so little left to give?  I went to training camp saying I don’t want to go simply because I could not handle that many new people in my life right now.

On the way to training “Be Here now” was what kept running thought my head. Set down the ministry, set down taking care of other people and just be here. Be with Me. My response to that was a simple “How?” God you are going to have to do that work in my heart, because I can’t so it myself.”

So I sit, in a time out. I sit here with more questions than answers. I sit wondering how to do life in any different way.  I question how to do this thing called ministry and loving others without finding myself empty at the end of the day. I wonder if it is ok to let people down and walk away sometimes.  I sit while people I don’t know question my character and try and tell me that I am everything that I stand against. I sit saying you are right, “I can’t do this anymore”. I sit while a loving God teaches me a much needed lesson in just how big He really is.
I am waiting for the follow up, the part where I really learn the lesson.  Waiting for that moment when Jesus walks over takes my hand and leads me back in to the game. In the meantime I will learn to give my heart over to Jesus. No matter how scared and vulnerable that makes me. I am depending on Him to fill me up and change me. I learning to trust God with these people and know that He cares about them so much more than I ever could.  I am starting to realize that maybe my version of giving my all is different than God’s version for me. Maybe it is more about sitting at the feet of Jesus waiting for Him to move; so I can serve my master and King where ever He needs me at the moment. I think there is a story about that in the Bible somewhere. Maybe this Martha needs to learn how to be a Mary.
As my friend Emma pointed out to me; once again I am trying to move faster than God intended me to. I need to be still (Be here now) and just know that He is God.
So I sit with questions and maybe’s. But I’m finding there is peace in the questions and Hope in the maybe’s.

 
I Choose Joy. I Choose to Be Here now. I choose to rethink what it looks like to live intentionally. So that in the End I can say that I arrived fearlessly.
 
My Friend Christa sent me the Quote at the perfect time last week.

“I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the question themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to LIVE EVERYTHING. Live the questions now. Perhaps then someday far in the future you will gradually, without even noticing, live your way into the answer.”