I have been debating about writing this for a while now for fear of being judged. But then I figured that’s exactly why I should write it since I would rather just be honest about where I am in my faith. I began articulating this earlier this month when I was asked what I hoped God would do within me during the World Race. I had only recently been able to put some of this into words. So here it goes.
One of the biggest things I struggle with in my relationship with God is believing His goodness. Why do I question this?
Sin, suffering, evil, and hell are just a few things that immediately come to mind. Almost all the reasons why I question this is because of the things I have witnessed happening to others in this world. Over the years I’ve read dozens of books about crimes on individual and mass scales (genocide, child soldiers, serial killers). Not to mention what I’ve witnessed while working as a victim advocate assisting people who have suffered through child abuse, sexual assault and domestic violence. Besides this when I lived in SE Asia I spent time with girls who had been or were at risk for being trafficked into prostitution. I also walked through the killing fields of Cambodia. Also this to say I have been a witness to the pain of others for what seems like too long a time and I’m only 31.
I’ve been asking questions like this for years and ultimately the questions keep hanging around while the answers continue to remain elusive. And its not that I actually expect to get all the answers I want its just I want to believe that something truly good will come from all this pain and suffering that has been ongoing for thousands of years on end.
When it comes to most of these questions I often hear that while God is loving He is also just. But He is also many other things according to the Bible not the least of which is He is good. But sometimes it just seems its too difficult to reconcile that He is good with what I see He has allowed into His world. And at this point my understanding of eternity for so many He has created in His image leaves countless without hope or redemption.
Honestly I have some issues with the line of thinking that we all deserve to suffer for our sins so just be grateful He’s saving any. He created the universe knowing what it would come to but human kind is left holding the bag for everything bad that’s ever happened?
Christians often talk about God’s goodness in the life of the redeemed but I want to see it in the lives of the unredeemed as well. I don’t think I am alone in wondering these things and I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of the many conversations/ arguments in my head with Him about these and similar questions. But I know He is able to handle them and in some rare cases He has even shined some light on one or two of these.
You might be wondering why I still believe when I sometimes feel I have more doubts than assurances about who He is. In a name….Jesus Christ. Looking at His life, death and resurrection is the only place I can see a glimmer of hope and light in this world’s dark history. It’s also where I am able to see proof that God has already taken something evil (the death of His Son) and turned it into something beautiful, hopeful, and redemptive. I think Christ truly does show us what God loves and values for His creation by living it out in the flesh. He modeled grace, humility, self-sacrifice, patience (the list goes on) and He did it all perfectly. All this to say when I look to Jesus I think I have more than enough reason to hope and believe that God is good and that however things work out it will be fully aligned with every aspect of His character.
So why I am going on the Race? I am hoping and believing that God will show me more of His goodness than I have ever seen so far in this world. And I hope to see how I can be a part of helping that Goodness come to those I meet during the Race (and beyond this coming year).
“ I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.” – Psalm 27:13
