So, today I realized that I have less than a month before I leave my home in Nashville, TN to begin my World Race Journey. I will go visit my family for Christmas and then spend a few days in DC with a friend of mine before I actually depart, but I am leaving Nashville in less than a month! To say I became sad is an understatement. This has been my life for the last eight years. Pretty much all of my adult non-college life has been here in Nashville.
Surrender is not always something you just do at one time. It’s like a puzzle that must be put together. The edges are always the easy part. I like to think of these as all the things that you know going into something. I know I am going to 11 countries. I know I will be traveling with other people I don’t know. I know I will be carrying only a backpack. I knew all of these things before I ever applied. The frame of the puzzle was easy to put together. I had to surrender those things before I even filled out an application.
Little by little, pieces of me have been breaking away and are filling in the middle of the puzzle. In June, when I applied for the Race, the frame was set. Then, when I was actually accepted to go, I lost a huge piece of myself that began to fill in the puzzle. I knew I was going to have to give up almost everything I have. So, I did that and the possessions and things are gone. Next, I had to begin losing things like a steady income and guaranteed job every day. I began to have to worry about how I would pay for things and making sure I get everything I need before I leave. Pieces of security and control just flaking away from me and filling in the surrender puzzle.
Some pieces have taken longer than others to find their fit. I will go weeks without thinking about what I am actually about to do. Then, I will be in a worship service and God will remind me through lyrics like, “Wherever you lead me, I’ll go…” A few weeks ago, that happened. I felt like God slapped me in the face as I was singing those words and said, “you really are doing this you know.” I lost any bit of composure that I had and pretty much just cried for the rest of the service. That piece was put in place that night.
So, there are still those hard to find pieces as I look at this puzzle. The crazy thing is I am not even sure how many I am missing at this point. I am not sure what a fully surrendered puzzle even looks like. This reminds me of an exercise that I used to use in my class for teambuilding. Students would put together a puzzle with a blindfold on and their team mates had to tell them how to put it together because they could see it. I feel very much like the blindfolded student who is just trying to listen to God as He guides me to surrender one thing after another until finally the puzzle is complete.
Surrender is very bittersweet. To know you are doing something far beyond yourself is an amazing feeling, but giving up everything and most of all everyone in your life to do that feels the polar opposite of amazing. I don’t know what the puzzle will look like at the end, but in my mind I have concocted a picture that looks like this!
