I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I have to come down off the Jesus high I have been on since late July. Part of me really doesn’t want to. My summer has been incredible (despite being away from Squam Lake). I have felt the hand of God in so many amazing ways in recent weeks that it astounds me. I can’t remember a time in my life where I have felt so wonderfully and completely alive. There has been so much freedom in being here at AIM (http://www.adventures.org) that I now find myself becoming anxious about going back to New Hampshire. Wondering if the God I have come to know here will follow me home. Or if the stilted and wooden faith I had a year ago is going to return. AIM helped me to let God out of the box I had put Him in, and I don’t want to put Him back in it! I have been closer to the Lord than I ever thought possible, which makes this week so much harder.
I sat in a church on Sunday morning and I felt nothing. This is the same church in which I sat six weeks ago and marveled at how fully I felt the Lord’s presence – in a building no less! That morning blew me away. I have felt that same presence of the Lord filling me in other places this summer too; I just can’t seem to find it in a church now. I went with some friends to a worship service last night, and I felt God there for a moment… but it was brief. It was fleeting. And I wanted more so badly. But to get the ‘more’ I crave, I feel like I need to be in motion. That sitting or standing in one place while someone talks at me isn’t enough. I am starting to think that my faith is like a shark; if I stop moving, it could falter.
I know I have to learn to be still. I have to learn how to come down off this high and to be okay with seeking the Lord in quiet times. I know that the Lord wants me to take time to just hang out with Him, but a part of me has felt like I have been doing so much FOR Him, and I haven’t taken the time to just BE with Him.
Knowing that I have to do these things and actually doing them are two very different things. I know I still have a long way to go. But as a certain wonderful cartoon from the 1980s used to say at the end of every episode: Knowing is half the battle!
