Viewing the world from the window of a plane is an incredible thing. The 5-year-old that sat behind me agreed. We both sat there for the first 45 minutes with our eyes glued to the scenes playing out in front of us.
And all I could think was:
May we never lose our wonder
Wide eyed and mystified
May we be just like a child
Staring at the beauty of the King
Those lyrics became my prayer on my flight home from training camp. May I never lose my wonder at what He’s done for me.
Two weeks earlier…
The morning before training camp I cried to God about how I could never imagine letting go of the hurt that was done to me. I’d been reading a book called Enemies of the Heart. It described my circumstances perfectly: something awful and unfair happened to you, and instead of letting go, you become justified in knowing what was done to you wasn’t right. The author classified these feelings as, “you owe me,” and, boy, did I believe that. Having someone else voice these words even felt like justification to me. Someone gets it!
The next chapter was about choosing to let go of that debt, and that’s when the tears came. I couldn’t comprehend how that would ever be the case for me. How in the world could I just let go of the deep hurt they caused me?
That’s pretty much how I left that conversation with God– hurting, confused, and empty of any ability whatsoever to forgive.
That same night at camp I wrote this in my journal:
“Today we’ve been reminded over and over again of our true identity of who God says we are. We are so dearly loved, chosen, forgiven, and free. I’m choosing to live into that truth. I’m choosing to let go of the hurt I’ve felt and the lies I’ve believed. It’s going to be a journey of letting go, but the love of my Father is so great. The lies I’ve bought into have been proven false by Abba. The debts I believed were owed to me have already been paid.”
What?! God made it so simple for me to let go of the hurt that I couldn’t even fathom letting go of not even 12 hours earlier.
His love literally changed everything for me.
I had held onto this hurt for years choosing it day after day because I believed I was owed, and I was going to live that way until the debt was paid. I looked to others to fill those holes, and, no surprise, I came up feeling empty and longing for more. It was never enough.
And the very first night of training camp God showed me that every last bit of debt I believed I was owed was paid for by HIM. The beauty of it all is this: the world doesn’t owe me anything for the hurt that has been done to me. Jesus doesn’t owe me anything either. What I deserve is death. “The consequence of sin is death.” But instead, I receive grace and LOVE. The life-changing, can’t-get-enough, makes-you-completely-unable-to-wipe-the-obnoxious-grin-off-your-face kind of love. The kind that makes the debts others owed inconsequential. The kind that brings freedom because you can just enjoy relationship without looking to be filled up by it. The love I craved, the acceptance I wanted, the way I desired to be known was all 100% completely, absolutely satisfied.
Friends, that’s not normal. That’s a miracle. That’s GOD. That’s my Father!
May I never lose my wonder
Wide eyed and mystified
May I be just like a child
Staring at the beauty of the King
