This morning I woke up scarred, freaked out, and thinking “Where THE HECK AM I?” I opened my eyes to a white woman who I did not recognize in scrubs speaking harshly in a foreign language. My eyes drifted around the yellow-walled room to the many machines littering it to the hospital bed I was lying in. Then I looked over to the hospital bed next to me and it all flooded back to me when I remembered that I had come to spend the night with my teammate who is in the hospital in Romania. She is getting better and should be out today.
I thought about how many places I have slept in the past 6 months and what favor the Lord has had on me. I can’t believe this is my life! Seeing the Holy Spirit move in crazy ways in Zimbabwe, loving orphans in South Africa, praying for the sick in Swaziland, seeing God in special needs children in China, experiencing freedom like never before in the Philippines, seeing God’s Word come alive and give me strength in India. THIS IS REALLY MY LIFE!
Last month in India was a struggle for me. Many mornings I would wake up under my mosquito net cursing those blood-sucking mongrels and wondering how one got through the net while I was sleeping. I believed lies that I wasn’t worthy of being pursued and that I wasn’t doing enough for the people on my team. I experienced homesickness for the first time and wanted nothing more than to be hugged by my mom, pouring out all my thoughts to her.
In times of loneliness and frustration, God showed up in HUGE ways. In the Philippines I heard Ben and Imelda talk about the Old Testament in a way that sounded so exciting and exhilarating as they shared stories I had never heard before. That conversation ignited a passion in me to see God’s Word come alive. I prayed unceasingly for His words to come off the page and speak directly into my life.
After memorizing scripture that reminded me “not worry about anything, but instead pray about everything, to tell God what I need and to thank him for all He has done,” I was able to pray this over myself when I ever felt like my gaze was shifting away from the Father. His word became alive and spoke so much life into my thought life and reminded me where my strength comes from.
We probably prayed more in India than I have ever prayed in my entire life. When we would go to remote villages to visit three churches in one day we would find ourselves praying for 50 people each at the end of each service. There were many times when God would bring scripture to my mind to pray over certain individuals. The Indians have a hunger for prayer, which ignited the same for me.
When my thoughts strayed from what I knew was right I prayed. When I realized my focus was on something other than the Lord, I repented and prayed. When I thought I couldn’t go on, I prayed. When it was 10 at night and the third service of the day was about to end and 50 people lined up in front of me for prayer, I prayed for strength. I can say that I truly did not live out of my own strength this month, I lived out of His and it was perfect and never-ending!
[Me and Ceena at debrief in Brasov, Romania]
We came together as a couple teams for worship our last night in India and God came and met me. The night before the lies I was believing about my team came to the light and I was asking God who He says I am. As I closed my eyes and swayed to the music, He said “Don’t you know, don’t you know, don’t you know?! You are pure. You are whole. You are joyous. You are confident. Don’t you know I have used you. Don’t you know YOU ARE WORTHY?! Don’t you know, don’t you know, don’t you know?!” I listened for quite some time as He reminded me of all that I am only because of Him.
The world tries to tarnish who our Holy Father says we are. The world screams you are not enough and will never be enough. The world tells women to pursue men and that you are complete and happy when you have a man. Until then you are just biding time. The world says you are able to live a freer, more content life the skinnier you are. The world tells us that appearances matter more than what is going on inside us.
Thank you Lord, that I know who I am in You! I am enough, because you make me worthy. Thank you that I don’t have to worry about my future or a husband because You and You ALONE make me whole and complete. Thank you for my healthy body. Thank you for caring about my emotions and teaching me how to express my feelings.
Thank you for this amazing, once in a lifetime adventure you are taking me on. Thank you that I get to learn how to depend on you more and more. Thank you that you are preparing me to be used for great things! Thank you for giving me joy. I am humbled that you would use me and bless me like you do. Thank you Jesus, for your goodness never runs out, “your peace exceeds anything we can understand.”
So whatever your worry or concerns are, bring it to the Lord. It is simple really. “Do not worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.” [Philippians 4:6]
Let me encourage you with the next scripture I’m memorizing. “I pray that from His glorious unlimited resources that He will empower you with inner strength from His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. May you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” [Ephesians 3:16-20]
Tonight I will go to sleep in Romania, where there are no mosquitoes, excited for all that God has in store here and humbled that I get to be a part of it all!
