Watching babies learn how to walk is such a beautiful sight. The
couple I lived with earlier this year in Baton Rouge have a daughter, Aviley,
who started walking while I was there and it was so joyful to watch! When she
was learning she would walk when someone was holding both her hands. Then it
progressed to only having to hold one hand, and a week later she was walking.
One day she was hobbling around only taking three steps at a time before
falling and the next day her feet could be heard pitter patting all around the
house.
For so long I feel like I have been walking as my Dad holds my
hands. I’ve been thankful for being able to learn through the experiences of
others, not having to go through the same pain as others.
The whole time I thought I was doing a great job guarding my
heart while walking with my Dad. I have never had a time of rebellion when I
walked away from the Lord, but I have been living out of my own strength. In
depending on my own strength, self-discipline, and self-control I’m realizing
that I have actually been crawling. I still get from point A to point B, but
because of the walls I put up I have not been experiencing love, relationships
and a level of intimacy with God and others that I was created for.
My squad leader, Alexandra, introduced me to the concept of
false-pride. I have always prayed against the struggle of pride and judgement.
False-pride is when someone does not value herself in the way God has gifted
and feels that she must prove to herself and others her actual value. I can
relate with the “I have to prove myself� mentality, and am realizing that I
don’t actually struggle with pride. In admitting that in my soul I don’t fully
love myself and in breaking the lie of false-pride, I am learning to walk for
the first time.
Instead of depending on my own strength to guard my own heart I
am learning to give my whole heart over to my Dad to protect, fight for, and
hold it. In crawling everywhere and depending on my own strength I have been in
control and have been safe and not hurt with an unbroken heart.
Jesus didn’t come so I could have a safe, pain-free existence. He
came so that I could have life and an abundance of it [John 10:10]. Yes,
allowing the Father to have complete control of guarding my heart is
scary–just like walking for the first time. I will most likely fall down and
run into things, leaving my heart sometimes bruised and in shambles, but my
heart will be open to love the way He loves.
Jesus was hurt and disappointed by others, but He stood
confidently in His identity as the Son of God. For too long I have put up walls
and guarded my heart so well that I have not allowed others in to hurt and
disappoint me. In doing so I have also not allowed others in to love me well.
No longer will I crawl and learn through the experiences of
others. For You have called me to more! I’m ready to experience hurt, pain,
disappointment, and to express my emotions. I am ready!
As I take my first step toward my Dad holding His arms out,
wobbling and unsteady I will keep my head held high, confident in my identity
as a Daughter of the King.
Here is a video from last month in South Africa.
