Along with Kaylynn being sick, the month was full of people getting sick! The following Sunday we had three people in the hospital with malaria, seven got tested! We were left with ONLY two of the eleven doing ministry. It was the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced! I was the only one this month who didn’t get sick! Yeah, there were a few times I had an upset stomach, but it didn’t compare to what knocked me on my butt in India! Praise God for that!
I got knocked down in a different way! I got attacked with emotional garbage! It poured over me like a trash truck dumping its load! I started questioning my identity, who I was on the team, what my role was. I struggled feeling like I fit in on my new team something I haven’t previously struggled with. I fell into a deep depression that blind sighted me! I feel like I’m barely staying afloat and at any minute I could be pulled back under! It leaves me wanting to pull the rip cord and call it quits! I mean is it really worth it. I mean I don’t have to fight satan this hard in America. He isn’t that threatened by me! His lies aren’t a constant whispering in my ear at all times in America! I’m not so exhausted from fighting to stay afloat! I don’t have to fight not wanting to give up! I’m not such an emotional basket case dumping garbage on everyone who I come in contact with, like a poison.
HOLD UP… WAIT A MINUTE!!!
God hasn’t called me (or us for that matter) to live a life of just surviving and just putting one foot in front of the other! God is calling us to the abundant life to a life of over flowing fullness. This month God has freed me from a lot of wounds in my past and is healing my heart. I spent two days in fasting praying for freedom for the chains in my past to be broken and God showed up. I felt the hurts of the past be lifted off of me! My heart was stitched from the inside out! The weight of all those hurts was lifted off me. The chains that were on me holding me back from speaking are gone!
I don’t know what God has in store for me but it excites and scares me to think about it. I don’t know if I am getting close to realizing what God has for me and maybe that’s why I am being attacked so hard. It was recently prophesied over me that I would work with youth girls, something that has been a passion of mine for several years. It’s been when I’ve been surrounded by teen girls that I’ve felt the most at home, ever! I loved our teen girls coming up to me asking if they could have a sleep over at my house, using my house as a safe place and an open door was FUN!
I look forward to Rwanda being an amazing month of continued freedom from the chains in my life. I need your help. I need Prayer! I can’t fight this alone and it’s exhausting on everyone that is helping me through it. I’m so disgusted with myself with this ugly that is surfacing that I want to run! I knew before I left on the race I would be Refined Through the Fire that I would have to make the decision to fight but I never could have been prepared for this! My tank is empty I need it filled, NOW! I plead with you to stop reading this right now and go to battle with me. Make a loud battle cry for me. Amongst other things pray for the walls to come down! God is worth every bit of everything I am going through, but I’m not strong enough to fight it alone! Satan attacks us right where we are the weakest. Praise God, “Greater is HE who is in us then he who is in the world” and “Where I am the weakest HE Is the strongest!
