God comes to us and asks “Will you let me come for you?�
“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her� Hosea 2:14
It’s funny the way God works sometimes. I realized the reason God has called me to the race for at least right now is to let him speak tenderly to me, allow me to allow him to pursue me. My desert is the world race. It seems strange, but here it is devoid of all the comforts of home, family and friends to turn to, and no way to just be alone. The hardest part is learning to allow myself to be pursued and to let others fight battles for me. From a young age I learned how to fight my own battles and to do things on my own. I have no regrets about the way I grew up, but it’s a hard thing learning to allow others to fight for you when that is not what you are used to.
This morning when I woke up I found myself frustrated and with a headache. After eating breakfast and doing morning devos by myself I went back to bed. Around 8 AM I woke up to Sarah shaking me asking if I was going to do construction today. My head was still throbbing so I said no, but got out of bed to see why everyone was in a rush. Apparently people from the church came earlier than we thought and people who were going to construction were in a rush to get ready to leave. I wanted to go back to bed, but instead I grabbed my journal and ipod and started to journal what I was feeling. As the words came pouring out the tears started rolling down my face. Quickly I jumped up ran to my closet grabbed my bible, sketchbook, tissues, and photos and went into the “quiet� room.
I was starting to realize how homesick I was and how much I wished I would be heading home after this month. So I started making a list of pros and cons about staying on the race or going home. The people who stayed back from construction needed to figure out a plan after having our original ones fall through. Thankfully it was short and the decision was made to just pray about it. I returned to the room and stared at the list I had made and started bawling. The race is where I am supposed to be; it’s clear on the pros and cons list, but I just needed to cry. I was homesick and I think after making the list I realized that I won’t be seeing my family and friends for another 8 months and 11days. I pulled my knees up to my chest and just let it out. The tears just kept coming as scenes of what I am missing and what I am going to be missing flashed behind my eyes. When things slowed down I grabbed a box of crayons and my sketchbook and just drew what I felt.
Then as I picked up another crayon I began to write. The words were not my own and I could not stop writing. The letter written in crayon was about 3pages front and back in my sketchbook.. It started with dearest one and wasn’t over until love your father in heaven. I sat back and read it and began to bawl all over again and once again I pulled my knees up to my chest and just let it out. Haile came in to ask if I wanted to go, but understood when all I could say was homesick. Every time I thought I was done more kept coming. I stayed in the room and cried for about 3 hours. After it was all out my head was throbbing so I just crawled up into my bunk and passed out for about 2 hours. In those to hours God gave me some pretty sweet visions, but now is not the time to share those.
I have no idea how to end this except to say thank you for your prayers and encouragement. I miss you all terribly.
Love
Angela
