In the shortest yet most powerful scriptures in the bible, “Jesus wept”(John 11:35). He wept over the death of Lazarus his friend, and there are times in our life when we too, must weep…
This blog has been a long time coming and I guess there is no better time to post it then days before the United States Marine Corps 237th birthday and Veterans Day. Although God has healed me from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD) and other issues, some days I still just weep for various reasons.
This is my heart:
Tonight my heart was stirred to write this because after taking a nap, I woke up in a slight sweat after having a really visual dream. The dream wasn’t as chaotic and crazy as some dreams that I have had in the past, however in my dream I was involved in a few various events of combat, and in the end of the dream I found myself mourning over loss. Not necessarily mourning any loss of life, but just loss in general. At least once a month I have a day when I weep. Last month it was during an afternoon walk at training camp, the month before it was while I was packing up my stuff and was going through my awards, medals, uniforms, and gear from my deployments. There are not necessarily specific things that trigger anything, I think it’s just a downpour of emotions when I began to remember/relive my experience in the Marine Corps both good and bad.
My deployments by normal standards could be considered hostile and traumatic, but I know numerous people that went through worse and I count myself blessed to have walked through what I did practically unscathed. I was blown up twice by Improvised Explosive Devices(IED’s), shot at enough to miss the thrill of it, and I’ve spent countless days and nights hunting other humans as a Marine scout sniper. I’ve looked out of my vehicle in Iraq on two separate occasions and saw IED wires running under our truck and somehow the trigger man didn’t initiate the bombs. I’ve also been the next truck in line to drive over a pressure plate IED but for some reason we stopped and instead discovered the IED before driving over it. I did not lose any best friends, however I did lose numerous Marines that I knew pretty well. I believe that my days of weeping don’t necessarily stem from catastrophic events that have happened to me, or certain events that trigger specific things, but more so just from plane loss….
I believe when I weep I am mourning, not just for myself, but maybe for others as well. There is so much loss that is experienced when any young man who is barely 18 years old steps onto a battlefield with his friends and a rifle in his hands. One famous quote is by Herbert Hoover and says that, “Older men declare war. But it's the youth who must fight and die!” There is so much innocence that is lost when someone is forced to grow up quickly and forced to make decisions that constitute the life or death of themselves and others. There is so much loss that is experienced through things you do with your hands, see with your eyes, and block your heart from feeling. There is loss to be felt when you relieve some of your actions and deal with those consequences. I have no guilt, merely loss.
I don’t always just weep for myself, I weep for my brothers as well. I weep when I think of the men I know who’ve lost their legs because today they may walk with prosthetics, but when they get older they will be confined to a wheelchair. I weep for those who’ve lost eyes and arms as well. I weep because although God has healed me of my alcohol dependence, there are many of my friends that still cope with other means. I weep when I think about the change in people over the last years because of everything they’ve done and experienced, how events and a war have shaped and molded them into new people long lost from those they were. I weep when my heart is heavy when I read posts from gold star mothers and families who lost love ones and are searching for hope in anything they can find. I weep on specific days of the year when people are honored and remembered and my facebook feed floods with remembrance, December 11 and 21st, March 2nd, April 7th and 11th, October 23rd…. I weep sometimes for my own loss and for the loss of the Marines in my truck that hit an Improvised Explosive Device on February 16th 2007. Dylan lost his legs, I lost some memory, hearing, and sanity for a long time yet others in the truck are still dealing with other issues. It hurts my heart to know that my brothers are still dealing with a lot of PTSD, traumatic stress issues, and dealing with physical and other mental issues such as Traumatic Brain Injuries(something I was diagnosed with as well but have no problems with since God healed me).
One of the most amazing things that I have learned in the past month was at my training camp for The World Race. I made it a point that I would be as vulnerable as possible with the people around me to ensure that I built healthy relationships that I haven’t in my past. We had a session where we learned about grieving, and grieving various things in our lives. Whether those things are people, traumatic events, or dreams that have slipped away. Whatever it is, sometimes we just need to grieve. During a table discussion that day, I realized that there are some things in my life that I still need to grieve. One of the biggest of these being leaving my childhood dream of being a United States Marine Corps scout sniper after nearly 6 years of active and reserve duty off and on over the course of 9 years. Getting out of the Marine Corps was a very hard decision for me to make. I miss my brothers, I miss the boys, I miss you guys. I miss being miserable rotting in a dirt hole on the side of MSR bronze waiting to save Marine lives through IED interdiction. I miss the bonds that are created through sharing experiences of misery, misery always loves company. I miss the esprit de corps, the camaraderie, the traditions and a lot of other aspects of being a Marine.
I don’t know how long my grieving will go on for certain things. Someday the grieving will stop for the dream that I left as I choose to remember and embrace the memories and experiences that I was blessed to have. But I can assure you all of one thing. I will always weep and grieve for the souls of my family, friends and complete strangers. I will never stop asking my Jesus to meet you where you are and rescue you from your hurts and pains. I would be lying to you if I told you that I believe that there is any other way to live life aside from having a relationship with Jesus Christ. I am a believer. I believe that Jesus is not only who he says he is, and I believe that we can live the life he said we could live. I’ve found hope, peace, and rest in the Spirit of God known as the Holy Spirit, and I know that in this we can all have hope. My days of weeping will continue as I pursue the throne of God to see my family, friends, and people I come in contact with to feel, experience, and be transformed by the love of God. I love you guys, and know that if you are reading these very words I have approached the throne of the God of the universe on your behalf. My prayer is that you will experience the love of God in your life, because once you do that, your life will never be the same. God loves you, and so do I.
"Always Faithful"
