"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths"
Proverbs 3:5-6
That was one of the first scriptures I learned as a kid, one I had to say before I left the house for school. I've said it probably 200 times without ever understanding what it means. What does it mean? What does trust mean?
I've never been able to trust anyone, not ever. I could get personal but I don't want to offend some people that may read this. But what I can say is that I've been cheated and lied to in nearly every single relationship I've been in. I've been hurt as a young kid by people who had no place doing what they did or saying what they said, I've been taken advantage of and manipulated. My view of women and values in people as a whole were twisted over a decade ago. I've had friends take without giving back, and rip out without sewing back up. Trust….
At a young age I lost trust in myself. Confusion and depression stole my happy days in high school, the enjoyments I should have relished as a all regional football player and state wrestler are now a simply blur because of drugs and alcohol. Alcohol stole years of my life and in placing my trust in it, I was always left void. Over the years I lost trust in myself for taking advantage of so many woman, losing trust by never committing to anyone, sleeping with everyone, and basking yet again in my own misery and selfishness. There was a time in my life that I was convinced that every woman was a whore, and I'd take it out on all of them for what they all took from me…. Trust….
And then here comes God into my life. With open arms He says trust me, yet whatever I tried to do for God it never seemed to work out. I tried my hardest to play football at Boise State, I trained and trained and trained and prayed and prayed…I cried out to God for a whole hour before walk on try outs…after the tryouts I never got the call. In fact I got mocked by a Christian who I held in high esteem, because he thought I said God told me I'd make the team. Another trust destroyed. Trust….
So here I am God, what do you want me to do? Whatever it is I'll do it!!! So I start an internship at my church, 9 months of devotion and ministry with 20 people younger and less mature then I felt I was having seen what I've seen in war and in the world. I was miserable, God isn't this what you wanted?! Trust…
Then I thought I heard God to go back and be a contractor. So I gave away my truck and all my stuff and dropped out of the internship, and then 2 days before I flew out for training they said they couldn't hire me because of my previous mistakes in life. So I crawled back to my pastors and the internship and finished. God I missed you again didn't I?! Trust….
So I made my own plans, and sought my own desires and I left at midnight the very night I graduated from that internship. And I was happy wasn't I? God opened some doors, I had a wonderful job, I was the Chief Scout Sniper of a sniper platoon and I was leading and training Marines again….Then a girl came in, and I gave it all up because I felt God give me the peace to pursue her. Then it didn't work out yet again….God did I miss you yet again?! Trust…
So last week I surrender. Completely. I laid it out, "God I don't know what it is or what it means, but I WILL TRUST IN YOU!" I will trust in you, I will trust in you…. I shouted it at the top of my lungs driving around in my truck pounding on the steering wheel bawling my eyes out! God I will trust in you!!
God told me this was a year of restoration…and He's restoring me in more ways then I know.
He brought me to Genesis 22 today. After God gave Abraham the son he was promised, God told him to sacrifice him… God says here is what I promised you, what I gave you, what your heart desired! Now give it back! Sacrifice it, offer it to me!! So Abraham did as the Lord said and he went out and built an altar. And just before he drove the knife through his promise, right before he killed his hearts desire, moments before he sacrificed what God had given him…God provided. Trust….
You just build the altar, God will provide the sacrifice….
As I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks writing this. I'm learning to trust. God I've looked stupid dozens of times for you and following you. Times I thought I heard you clearly only to fall flat on my face. God, times when I did my best, gave my all, sacrificed what I had and ran in the direction I thought you were leading me in, I still failed!! But I will trust in you….
Is the world race where I am supposed to go on January 1st 2013….? I dunno, I have $383 in my support account and I'm $3,117 away from my first financial deadline due by the end of next week. Regardless of if I am wrong or if I am right in what God wants me to do. I will trust in You God….I will trust in You….
If you have been reading and God has placed on your heart to give a small donation to my mission trip, there isn't a better time then now. Without $3,117, I can't even go to training camp next week. But I will trust in God regardless 🙂 There is freedom in surrender!
