The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster ride for me internally. I have been in the midst of a constant battle within my own mind. I’ve been fighting wave after wave of intense negative thoughts and discouragement that have whooped my behind. I have been blessed with so many different people speaking encouragement and hope and truth into my life, each pointing me back to how awesome and faithful God is. That has kept me going through this incredibly difficult season. As it stands today, I have been fortunate enough to receive incredible amounts of prayer, for which I don’t have words to explain how grateful I am. However, financial support for the World Race has yet to come, and I have let that become the source of my discouragement most often. I’ve found that when I’ve become discouraged in this way, I am often flooded with negative thoughts about the World Race, about my sin, and about myself as a person.
For the longest time, I have struggled with the notion in the back of my mind that I am destined to a life in which I must spend all my efforts fighting for mere survival, in a world where no good thing will ever come to fruition in my life, no matter how hard I try or how good my intentions are. As a result, when good things do appear to come my way, I often catch myself thinking that it is only a matter of time before they are to be taken from me. Fighting against these thoughts is exhausting. I recognize this to be deceit, but that hasn’t always seemed to make the fight any easier in the given moment. As a result, I have found myself in sin, or depressed, or both, and I despise it. This is not who God created me to be. I want more. I want Jesus. I want more Jesus.
In the last couple weeks, I have focused on my struggle with negativity, lies, and discouragement, but today was different. Today has been full of encouragement. Today has been full of truth. Today has been full of hope. Although I haven’t received any more financial support, I am confident. Confident in a God who fulfills his promises. Confident in a God who doesn’t always give me exactly what I want, but never fails to give me exactly what I need. God will always provide. I know this. I have seen it.
The proof is in my very existence. For those of you who are reading this and don’t know the story, I will briefly explain. I was born with a heart condition that required extensive surgeries immediately following my birth. I wasn’t supposed to make it out of infancy, but I did. This was followed by a difficult childhood full of brokenness and hopelessness. I made it through that too. Following that was the news that my heart was failing again, requiring yet another surgery, from which I flat-lined for a time in the hospital. I’m still here. I have seen God perform miracles in my life time and time again. I have ABSOLUTELY no reason to doubt Him or his plan. I owe my life to Him. So I will wait on the Lord. I will continue to take the initiative in reaching out for support partners, and I will trust God to produce the results that He sees fit. Really, that’s all I need.
