Not too long ago, I was prideful and didn’t know it. Or, I was prideful and knew it, yet didn’t want to admit it. I was too scared, too afraid to consider that maybe I was under need for review. I would have said that I’m open to criticism and willing to learn, but wouldn’t have been prepared to fully submit myself to anything that was brought up.
You see, I’ve been bruised. I love the Church and the communities surrounding it, but not even I was able to grow up in it without being hurt.
I’m so thankful and have been so blessed by the support I’ve received in regards to my faith growing up, yet in this support a piece was missing that left an aching inside my heart. For the first twenty years of my life I grew up in a culture that placed a great emphasis on confession and self realization of brokenness. The vast majority of what I learned about my faith was either biblical history, or a Jesus themed self help guide. And while both those things definitely have significant merit, the gap between learning personally applicable theology and applying this knowledge was something I couldn’t grasp. I never could understand why churchgoers seemed to be more committed to listening to a sermon than to feeding the poor.
Throughout elementary, Junior High, and HIgh School I was consistently taught this amazing narrative of Abraham, God’s promises, and the Jewish people’s incredible journey with God. I learned of Noah and the flood. I learned of Job and his trials with God. I learned of Samson and his great feats of strength, of Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Aaron, Joshua, Esther, Ruth, Samuel, David, Solomon, and Isaiah. I was exposed to this amazingly rich history of my faith all the way up to Jesus’ birth, death, and resurrection. And though I knew it already, I was also taught that Jesus died for my sins and that through him, I was guaranteed everlasting life and freedom; the greatest gift of all. And then I was taught that Christ died on the cross for my sake. And then I was taught that Jesus died for me. Then I was taught that Jesus carried the cross for my shame.
I was taught this again.
And again.
And again.
And again, I was taught that Jesus died for all my sins. And before I knew it, I had fallen into a culture that was fixated on the sin.They would petition me please, please Andrew just confess your sins and let Jesus into your life. And here’s a passage about the Pharisees persecuting Jesus. How have you persecuted Jesus in your life, Andrew? Then there’s the young rich man who was grieved when Jesus told him to leave his possessions behind. Andrew how are you like the young rich man? How are you like the older brother Andrew? How are you like the Israelites in the wilderness? Andrew, how are you like the man who nailed Jesus’ hands and feet to the cross?
It began to wear on me.
I started to wonder, if I was a new creation, a son of God, how come everytime I went to church, small group, or a youth group someone had prepared a new way to make me feel like as though still wasn’t. But that’s all I knew. As Christians, I thought that’s just who we were; a community of individuals who had no self worth because it paled in comparison to our great God. I had naively confused humility with self devaluation.
It was at around this time, when I was nineteen or twenty, that I had the pleasure of being part of an especially awesome church community for the period of a summer. It was here, that for the first time in my life, I fully experience a community of believers who had actually moved past the stage of admonition of sin. They would go out regularly to pray (and heal) the sick and care for the poor. Their musical worship, much like their meetings, never followed a strict agenda but rather a loose guideline of what they wanted to achieve. They were living like Jesus was actually alive, and the Holy Spirit was living in them. I remember specifically the pastor telling me one day
“You’ve been given the mind of Christ, Andrew. It says so here in 1 Corinthians 2:16. You know what that means? It means that whether you hear him or not, Christ is living in your mind and shaping your thoughts.”
Through this period of time with this church community, I gradually decided that I needed to move forward with my faith. I had spent too much time looking inwards and not nearly enough time walking in the confidence that God is with me and what I do. I would be starting a leadership position with my fellowship in the fall and if there was any time in my life that I needed this confidence, it was now.
And so it was, I started walking and acting knowing that God was with me, and that I was his son. And for a time, it was good; I was able to do things I never would have if I had not believed that God was with me. Unfortunately though, things started to go awry.
I started to reject calls for repentance, for change. At first it was because I embraced the freeing notion that I didn’t need to answer each and every opportunity to repent of specific sin, because not all of them actually applied to me. As time went on though, the justifications and excuses kept coming and coming. I not only shot down the opportunities that didn’t apply to me, but those that were applicable as well. I began to view one of my key strengths as a leader and a man to be my static, unchanging state of emotion and character. I had taken my sonship in God too far and substituted it with complacency of my own character. And the worst part was, I realized it.
By the time I became fully aware that I was complacent, I lacked the will to do anything about it. Partly because who I saw myself as was really wasn’t that bad. But also I didn’t feel as though I had a community around me that I could trust to support me in times of change. I was too prideful of my character to let my friends know that who I was then is less than the perfect version of myself.
It was in this period of time that I applied to The World Race, and eventually attended training camp.
Something wonderful happened at training camp. Not only was I convicted to start working on the my relationship with God along with the sin and unforgiveness in my life, but I also felt for the first time in a long while that I was in an environment where not only was it OK for me to admit weakness, but it was encouraged. For so long I had this messed up view of leadership and manliness mixed with my own sense of pride that pushed me into complacency of character. Finally though, God gave me space for and started teaching me about humility, and this time I actually listened.
It took so long for me to reach this point of realizing just how far humility needs to reach into my life, but I’m glad I’m here now. It really wasn’t myself that got me here though, but God, and beyond that, it was a community of people (complete with mentors, peers, and coaches) who could demonstrate to me what it looks like to live, act, and learn as sons and daughters of God who are fallible and need to draw their strength from the Father. That’s why I’m incredibly thankful for The World Race training camp, and that is why I’m stoked beyond belief to spend 11 months with my amazing team and squad mates.
BONUS ROUND
If you still don’t know who’s on my team, it’s probably because I haven’t introduced them yet. So, here they are, The Watchmen!
Nicole Wolf (Fearless Leader)
