“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”.
I don’t know about you, but I heard this mantra or repeated it myself probably 1000x during my childhood. We used it to defend ourselves against bullies and to “shield” our hearts from the arrows and barbs shot at us during our formative years. But as i’ve gotten older and done life around hurting, wounded people (along with dealing with my own pain that came from what was spoken over me), i’ve come to a conclusion about this beloved childhood defense mechanism: it’s stupid and needs to be done away with. Erased from children’s books and preschool walls, omitted from nursery rhymes, and preferably deleted from all human memory (okay so i’m being a little dramatic, but I think you catch my drift).
Why such strong feelings about a simple childhood catchphrase? Even if it’s not true, it’s cute and it makes kids feel better about themselves, right? That may be, but after years of social research (by that I mean living around people), i’ve come to see that words not only carry weight, but they can create wounds in the soul that affect people for a lifetime. And when we create a nice little phrase that enables kids to pretend like they aren’t being wounded by what they are hearing and receiving, we end up with a culture full of insecure adults unable to step into the greatness that God has called them to because they are unable to accept the truth about themselves, the Truth that they are the beloved of God. And we are kidding ourselves if we try to deny that every suicidal teenager, lonely woman throwing herself at any man that will give her a second thought, and insecure squad leader trying to prove his worth by being the best or the wisest, aren’t acting off of wounds they received in the past. Not only are we kidding ourselves, but we are preventing healing, because a wound can’t be healed unless we acknowledge it’s there.
Let me illustrate my point. As a squad leader, part of my responsibility is to have check-ins with members of J-squad to see how they are doing on the field. Missionary life isn’t easy, and people need to be taken care of. Saturday night, I went to “Fish and Chips” (the Lesotho version of Captain D’s, but it might as well be Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse here) with a member of the squad, we’ll call her Lois, for ice cream. I love being around Lois. She’s full of humor and always makes the people around her laugh, and she’s become somewhat of a little sister to me in the short time since we’ve been here. She’s full of wisdom too, and when she speaks, she speaks as someone who’s observed a lot and has taken the time to process what she wants to speak. But something that i’ve noticed about Lois is that she doesn’t speak into something unless you make her, and it’s almost impossible to have a serious conversation with her without her crying. I had no clue why.
So, walking down the dark streets to ice cream, i’m mindful of Lois’ tender heart as we banter. We talk about how she’s doing and how she likes being with her team, and she tells me a little bit about her family. As we sit down with our ice cream, the conversation turns a little more serious as Lois wipes her eyes and says, “Andrew, why do you always ask questions that make me cry”? Oh no, I thought, I was sure I was being gentle. But instead of going for the quick comfort, I decided to press in. “Lois, why are you ashamed to cry?”. My heart sinks a little bit with her response- “Because it’s irritating and i’m annoying”. I move to her side of the booth. “Lois, who on earth told you that”? “My brother”, she says. “He always told me that i’m just his annoying little sister and that i’m immature and never going to grow up. I don’t speak up because I don’t want to annoy people.” This beautiful woman of God with such wisdom and a kind, tender heart had just sat there and laughed for years as these lies were spoken over her, never realizing the impact they were having on her soul. And because she never realized the source of her wounding, she’s walked around for years not living up to her potential as a beloved daughter of the King. Feeling like she wasn’t worthy of love and belonging, or important enough to listen to.
“Lois, that might be how your brother felt about you. But it’s not true. You are a beloved daughter of the King, and Jesus thought you were worth dying for. You are wise and you have so much to offer. I want you to go ask Jesus what He says about all this.”
The next morning as we are praying in church, I walk up to Lois and begin praying for her. She normally cries when I get anywhere near her with something serious, but today is different. She’s just standing there, at peace. I suspect something’s up. “Lois, did Jesus say anything to you this morning”. She flashes me a big smile and says, “yep, He told me I don’t have to worry about that anymore.” And she prances off, a free woman.
I’ve always heard that Jesus can do more for a human heart in 5 minutes than a counselor can do in 10 years. I’m starting to believe that now, but we’ve got to do our part in admitting the wounds that we have and asking Him to heal us. He’s a good Father, He loves to heal. What lies have you believed that you need the Father to speak truth over so that you can walk in your true identity as a beloved Child? Will you walk with Lois and I as we learn to let the Father tell us who we are?
If anyone is in Christ he is a new Creation. Behold, the old has gone, the new is here.
Much love,
Andrew
