I told Rozy of my frustration that day with the way things were with my eyes and told her I just didn’t understand why the Lord hadn’t healed them yet. I told her how it was frustrating because until The Philippines when people had began to pray for healing for my eyes and had began to say how they had been given these words of how my eyes would be healed that I hadn’t been upset with my lack of vision. I had accepted it as a part of who I was. I mean I had been born with it, it was all I’d ever known, but the idea that I could know something else god into my head and I now wanted that something else. It frustrated me that my eyes weren’t healed yet and that I was no longer content with them the way they were.
Rozy told me she didn’t know why the Lord hadn’t healed my eyes yet, but that perhaps he had a bigger plan that I couldn’t see. To me the greatest thing of all would be that I have perfect vision. However, that may not be how God gets the most glory and may not be what is best. She also said that since I can’t rely on my vision like other people that my other senses are increased and she believed that didn’t just mean my physical senses, but also my spiritual sense. She said she believed that I could feel the undercurrent in a room of people, especially because I can’t usually rely on facial expressions. When I took a minute to think about it I knew that was true. There have been times in life where I sit and think to myself, “I think that person is really struggling,” but nobody else seems to notice and they really aren’t necessarily doing anything that would point to that and I just think that it’s me and I’ve dismissed it. I have also realized that I’m just not always very perceptive to it and so I don’t always catch things because I’m too focused on what I’m busy with.
After spending some time talking this out with my team and a few other friends on the squad I came to a few realizations. First, I realized that God had over the past week started to give me a freedom in being who I am with whoever I’m around. For example we had inter-squad kickball and I was out there playing like I would at home and yelling and having fun. Had it been January I probably wouldn’t have played like that, but I felt free to just be competitive, crazy me.
Second, I realized that God had over the last few days given me a deeper love and compassion for each of my teammates. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them and care about them before, but I think I was finally seeing through his eyes when I looked at them and my love for them had grown.
Third, I realized that a lot of the time I feel the Lord speaking to me asking me to do things like pray for someone, or go encourage them, but that I don’t because I’m scared of what they will think. I don’t trust that what God is telling me to do and I don’t trust the people who he’s telling me to approach that they won’t think I’m crazy. They might think that I’m crazy, but if God tells me to do it, then I need to listen and trust that he knows what’s best. I need to be more perceptive to what the Lord is telling me to do. I need to focus on him and if I feel like he is asking me to do something then do it and trust that he’s leading me.
Fourth, I realized that this gift of compassion and an ability to sense what is going on is better than physical sight. That night at worship I told God that if he ever wants to heal my physical eyes that I am all for it and he can go ahead and do that. However, if he never heals my physical vision, but I get to have a spiritual vision that is more keen and I get to reach more people for him and bring him more glory this way then that is better and I’m okay with never having 20/20 vision. What is this life compared to eternity anyways? Yeah, I may be the blind kid for what 80 or 90 years, but I will have perfect, amazing vision in heaven and I’m pretty sure that as cool as things are here they aren’t half as awesome as heaven will be. So if I have to choose, I pick perfect vision in heaven for all of eternity.
If people had never started to pray for my eyes in month three I would have never come to this point of being discontent with my vision as it was and I may have never found this gift the Lord has blessed me with. So although it may be my spiritual eyes that are strengthened and healed that is better than my physical eyes. It’s like Rachael told me back in Cambodia, it is more important that the Lord heal my heart than my eyes. It’s true too.
