I started this life with a heart fully open to everyone. I wanted to be friends with those who I met and let them know all about me. Over the years though the trust I placed in those who were close to me was betrayed and my heart got hurt. Each time I got hurt I built a new wall thinking that now I could keep this part sealed off and nobody could hurt me again. These walls began to surround my heart and keep it safe. If over time someone proved to be trustworthy enough I would show them the door through a few walls and allow them to walk through. There still remain a few walls though that not even those closest to me get to walk through. Parts of me that I am afraid to let show, because if I do then I may find people don’t love me as much and that again I get hurt.
In the last few weeks through my teammates and different situations God has shown me these walls need to come down. He has pointed out that they aren’t protecting me, they are only hindering me from building true authentic relationships with those around me. He has shown me that I need to trust that He created us as humans to live in community and that if He created us that way then we need to trust it is best, even if it is scary and it may hurt to let go of some things we have gripped so tightly for so long. God has asked me to put a sledgehammer in the hands of my family out here (my teammates) and to allow them to knock down the walls I have built.
In the last week I have given my family the tools and permission to pull down the walls. I can’t give them a map of where each wall is, as often times there are so many I don’t know where they are until someone runs into it, but they know they can break them down when they find them. It won’t be easy, or fun I’m sure. Some of these walls have been up for a long time, my heart has intermingled with the brick and by pulling down the wall it may cause me some pain. Still, I want the walls gone. I no longer want to be afraid to let anyone close to me. I also know that I am putting the hammers in the hands of people who love me and who want what is best for me. I know they may hurt me when they bring the walls down, but that they are wanting what is best for me and they are doing it out of love. I trust them to seek God’s advice when pulling down the walls.
