I don’t know when it started.
I don’t remember the switch or transition.
I can’t remember when my heart went from wanting to give to wanting to receive. I can’t piece together why my heart seems to be uglier in my eyes than when I started the race.
There are a few things I’ve learned on the race (okay, maybe more than a few, but to keep this short(er)):
- I’ve been set free from sin. Like truly set free: past, present, and future. No condemnation. No shame.
- Who I am is defined by God’s word and will, not by my actions or appearance
- I have the choice to live in freedom or live in bondage
- God is bigger and more sovereign than I ever give Him credit for
Those are all good things, right? Well, we’re almost exactly halfway through our final month on the World Race and I’ve never felt this defeated, beaten down, and worthless.
Most of it is self-inflicted and I’ll tell you why:
What has influenced me to not press in the most these past couple months has been a mixture between the new culture, the half-truths I have so righteously discovered (please know I’m being sarcastic), and lack of pursuing of God on my end.
I was going to say “the things that have dragged me down” rather than influence, but I can’t blame any of those three things for my attitude, selfishness, and pride that I’ve been acting in. Because I am free I have the choice to press in or not; I have the choice to choose the truth or walk in the lies. And boy, did I make the wrong choice.
I’ll give you a run-down of a normal day for me the first week in Malawi, shall I?
– Wake up praying to God “give me your strength and energy! When I am weak I am strong! Amen” but walking into the dining room hopeless and bitter that others were not as passionate or righteously angry about the injustices that are taking place even at our ministry! Gosh. How dare they? No wonder I wasn’t getting God’s energy! I had to use the little energy I had to fuel my anger, bitterness, and hopelessness. Duh. Let’s keep going.
– We get ready and leave for door to door evangelism. I pray “God give me words to speak!” but had both neglected and put my quiet time at the lowest spot on my list of priorities. Because, you know, watching movies and playing solitare on my computer are so much more important. How else am I supposed to cope with how awful everything and everyone around me are?!?! Next…
– If we saw someone that clearly had not heard the Gospel, I would get mad at the translator(s) because they weren’t willing to cross cultural boundaries to ask the hard questions. I mean, isn’t the person’s soul more important than any cultural norm?? But I know when I get back to the states, I tremble in my core when I am in a position to go with the flow of culture and call it “grace” rather than be firm in the truth of what God says. (In a loving way of course.) I mean, the translator’s speck in his eye is so huge! I mean, I can clearly see it! That is until I take a step away from myself and realize I have an even bigger log in mine… Whoops…. Let’s go to dinnertime…
– We gather as a team, eat, and then wait for the nightly proverbs bible study to start. No matter how it goes down, the whole time in my mind and heart I keep saying “I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be here…” Why? Again, more judgment on my part on everyone else’s lifestyle because, you know, I’m so holy and righteous.
– We’ll end at bedtime. I share a room with my team leader and friend Kim. I usually vent just a little bit. Just enough to justify and defend myself for my attitude for the day. Just enough to let her know that I am such a great Christian for having righteous anger and I am the victim in this. All of this is out of my control after all, right?
Dude. This is not okay. And I’m not talking about the “I need to act perfectly in every moment of everyday because I’m (one) a missionary and (dos) Christian.
Oh. And the team I’m on is pretty much still a new team. We had team changes at the end of month 9 so we were with this team for only two months. Not only that, but my team leader was the only one from my new team that I had spent time with before we were on a team together and that was only during WOMANistry month in the Philippines. Again, another reason why I didn’t have to be open, honest, and raw. They didn’t know me. They don’t know how I’ve changed. They don’t know the bondage that has broken off of me. They will NEVER understand the change that has happened this year.
Apparently neither have I because I keep going back to myself for answers rather than the cross.
Yesterday May 12th, we had our weekly day off. As a team we went into town and spent most of our time on the internet updating family to remember final details about coming home and such. I had finished everything I had to do on the internet so I decided to go back through my old emails and find the letters a few of my friends and family wrote to me to read during the race. I was able to save them all before we went home, but didn’t have the chance to read each of them. One of my friends that wrote me letters was a former co-worker who wrote me with instructions to read one letter each 11th day of the month. I was a day late, but I read the last letter I hadn’t yet read during this adventure. Because of other instructions he gave me, the letter was actually written for me to read in January. I’ve loved reading his letters because of the humor and encouragement found in each one. It wasn’t until I was reaching the end of the final letter that I realized that in these past few months I had been doing something really wrong:
“I think that is the way to change the world. Be yourself. Everywhere you go. Be you. Don’t let others change you, and don’t hold back any part of you because God made you special. He gave you the power to change the world and spread His (that’s the first time I have capitalized the “h” in a LONG time… I blame you for that) love. If you are not true to yourself how can you be true to God?
And then people will follow. Honesty is contagious. Love is contagious.
You are contagious (did you pop a squat in poison oak? Yup, I am really sticking with this camping idea for the whole 11 months)…
But seriously, you are contagious. What you are doing, what your team is doing, is awesome. Changing what it means to be a Christian, back to what it should be…”
I was immediately humbled. I may have had a tear in my eye as well. In that moment, I realized I was allowing lies dictate my life. I’ve struggled with lies before, but that was because I didn’t know I could be free. Now I was fully aware and still allowing the lies control me because that still gave me control rather than God.
Be myself? Be myself? Who am I then?
I am a daughter of the Alpha and Omega, the King of kings and Lord of Lords.
I am a servant and disciple of Jesus; the one who came not to be served but to serve.
I am a new creation. My past, even my 5 second ago past, is no longer a part of me.
I am a loved human being. I have been purchased and set free.
I am a soldier with the strongest armor anyone can have: the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the belt of truth, the sword of the spirit, and the shoes of the Gospel of peace.
I am beloved.
I am no longer a sinner. I am righteous. And because of that, I am not bound to a sinful life.
I am a product of grace.
And there are characteristics about me that God has given specifically to me, but don’t change nor make who I really am in the truths above:
I am crazy. (2 Cor 5:13 😉 )
I am a music lover.
I am a passionate person.
I am loving.
I am a leader.
I am confident.
I am goofy.
I am easily distracted. Haha.
And when I realized that I have not allowed myself to walk in any of those things in a way that glorifies God, I realized I need to repent. Nothing and no one from the last few months is to blame for my bad attitude. No one other than me, myself, and I have the choice to make on how I’m going to end this race despite how I’ve had my heart for I don’t know how long.
Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe. But the truth is I have been very selfish. I stopped trusting God because it was uncomfortable, inconvenient, and hard. I stopped wanting to give because I refused to be content with what God has already given me and continues to give me despite my sinful actions and heart!
The point of this is: I’m making a change. I am choosing not to walk in the lies anymore. The lie I’m walking away from now is “you have eighteen days left on the race. Eight of those will be either travel or debrief. That isn’t going to fix or cover the crappy attitude and heart you’ve had for this long”. No, it won’t fix or cover that. Jesus’ blood will. Time isn’t a thing for God. Unconditional love and grace truly is His way. And I can’t do this on my own. That’s obvious. These next three or so weeks I’m going to give it everything I have, but making sure God is truly being put first in my life and I lay down my fleshly heart. I want to persevere. I want to finish this race strong.
And no matter how hard it gets, I’m not giving up this time.
