As the days passed since writing part one of this blog (check it out here): I caught myself thinking about it but avoiding it at all costs as well.
I want to write this for you with the intent of breaking my own chains and finding freedom in Christ through confession of my thoughts. I pray that it helps you as well!!!
As I was saying before, I often wondered how racers come across personal issues while being immersed in the mission field. A week and a couple days has passed since month two began and God has already used a little bit of everything to get that gunk out inside of me.
In training camp we learned a lot about grieving; what l didn’t expect was to continue to grieve during the race. I have been grieving multiple things as God continues to reveal certain things and one “issue” that has come to my attention a lot this month has been my weight.
I’ve never been a skinny girl. My older sister was the pretty one growing up. She was taller (for a while at least), smarter, more athletic, quieter, and (of course) a lot skinnier. She was the one that was always asked out on dates, always picked first for everything, and always the “perfect” daughter.
I thought that by now I would have grown out of my insecurities. I thought that since I’m an adult now: an adult on the mission field, an adult sold out to Christ; I wouldn’t struggle every time I see a girl that weighs 20-60 LBS lighter than me, hear something about my weight, or notice a conversation or article regarding what a “beautiful” woman is and say with my mouth that I am beautiful but know in my heart that I believed otherwise.
A few nights ago I was talking to some team mates about this very topic. I openly admitted my previous need for a man’s approval either as a boyfriend or a brother. I needed that male figure someway and somehow in my life. I admitted that I felt (and sometimes still feel) that I have nothing to offer as a daughter, sister, future wife, or woman as a whole. I admitted that even though I hated how much I weighed, that because I felt like I had nothing to offer, at least I could blame my excess weight on why guys and people don’t stay around.
Silly, right?
That’s been my reality for so many years though. I am afraid of losing weight. I am afraid of “being skinny”. Actually, I’m more afraid of trying to be skinny and that still not being good enough. I’m afraid of never being good enough.
Even while on the field, I see these beautiful women of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, abilities, and giftings but can’t seem to allow myself to accept that truth for myself.
I know this is something God wants me to face, to press into. He is a wonderful daddy and given me a strong family to help me through. He sees me and knows me as fearfully and wonderfully made.
I want to just go to sleep and wake up in the knowledge and confidence that my human body is nothing short of a temple because Jesus Christ deemed it so. I want to walk in the Spirit in a way that my spirit is an obedient servant that helps my human flesh understand and obey the truth. “I long to look on the face of the One that I love. Want to stay in Your presence, it’s where I belong!”
This is a daily battle. This is a fight I’m not giving up. My goal is to find the truth behind these lies and walk in them. I don’t want a measure of my waist to be a measure of who I am. I’m seeking truth. I’m seeking Him.
