From the moment Hope, our squad mentor, initiated the session on July 8th, I knew where she was going; she was describing a man and what he did a few years ago that turned into an epidemic amongst many people. This man left about three-thousand blank postcards around the Washington, D.C. area all post-marked to himself. The postcards were meant as a gateway for people to share their secrets anonymously without any strings attached. If you’ve ever gone to postsecret.com, you already know what I’m talking about.
Frank Warren began a movement to shed light into hidden secrets in a way that you can be released without condemnation. As Christians, we call this confession. So starting that Monday, S-Squad had the chance to stand up (or sit) and openly confess past sins that had haunted them for years, past offenses that gave root to bitterness and hatred, and different perspectives that are typically taboo in the Christian community.
It was nothing short of beautiful.
Out of respect to my squad mates, I will not be sharing what each person shared, but rather I will share what God did in me those nights.
As I listened to confessions, I kept hearing something tell me: you’ve spoken your wounds and sins before, they don’t matter, you don’t matter, you don’t need to speak, no one wants to listen to you.
I continued to battle that voice and those lies until I confessed some things that I knew I had to say out loud. There were some deep wounds I hadn’t realized had such a grip on my heart and mind that they literally kept me from knowing God so I attempted to physically run away because the hurt, rejection, and heaviness was just too much, but a few of my squad sisters grabbed me and prayed over me.
I still wasn’t okay though.
It wasn’t until I verbally admitted that I didn’t think God cared about me, I didn’t think He wanted me as Andrea His daughter and nothing more, and I didn’t know if I trusted God enough to truly take this pain, fear, rejection, and yuckiness away that I finally felt like I could breathe.
Let’s backtrack a little right now; two months ago at training camp, multiple people came up to me and said “this is only the beginning. God is just now getting started”. At training camp I began my grieving process for a lot of things including never feeling like I child even when I was one. God showed me I was His princess and His little girl that week, but I had no idea what exactly “God is just now getting started” meant or looked like so I did slightly fear it. As the three days of secrets passed, those words came back to mind (and even as I’m writing this, too!). Those breakthrough confessions and battle-cry prayers have only been the beginning of my spiritual journey here on the race and we were only two days in to the mission trip actually starting!
I have said this and will continue to say this: God is good. Right now I’m at a point where I now know what God says about me and who He says I am, but I still fight every day to believe those truths. I can’t wait to see what’s next. If this is only the beginning, I can’t imagine the healing and freedom that’s to come!
Satan likes secrets. He likes making you think that that “unmentionable thing” is not key to helping you heal and consequently know Christ better. Shed some light today on something that has been tucked away anywhere from 100 years to 100 seconds. Don’t give satan that footstool. I’m sure not. The light is a lot brighter than you may ever think.
SPOILER ALERT!!
My next blog WILL be about the ministry my team has been working on and will be for the remainder of our time in Guatemala. It may or may not involve awesome kids at a daycare. 🙂
