Day two of launch has come to an end and I still can't believe it: I'm actually here.
When I applied in October: I was totally stoked and totally ready to just go, do, and serve for the Kingdom of God. Unfortunately I made some awful mistakes that caused into a spiral of sins that were making my relationship with Christ completely superficial.
One of the awesome things about God is He never stopped pursuing me.
As I spiraled into the sins though, I started to doubt if I was actually called to go into the race.
I knew my heart raced when I thought about international missions.
My soul soared when I would pray to serve God's kingdom in a very literal hands and feet type of way.
Because of the sins though, I let satan lie to me and tell me that I heard God wrong all along and that I wasn't supposed to go. That's why my funding wasn't going in. That's why opportunities to succeed in the earthly world kept coming up.
My sin was too much he said.
I am fake he said.
I am seeking this for myself he said.
And boy did he lie.
At training camp: God DID show me I was super broken, but He also showed me the redemption, beauty, and healing He's bringing for it.
Yes, I was pretty fake with my relationship for a while, but that didn't surprise God nor did it let Him down (because I'm not holding Him up).
God also fueled the fire in me that longs to be His hands and feet in this world through international missions.
I still doubted.
Why?
Because out of $6,500 needed to be raised by June 19th, I was roughly at $4,200 total raised.
I thought
"well, this is it. God doesn't want me to go after all"
but AIM gave me an extension by grace and in faith that God was going to provide.
I kept praying and I kept asking God:
"what do you want me to do?"
You wanna know what He said?
"Be still."
To someone who is still $2,300 short from a deadline that was supposed to already have been met, "be still" isn't necessarily the answer I wanted to hear.
God had actually told me back before training camp to be still and He'd provide but I, being the rebel child that I am, said no.
I tried to be still, but I couldn't help but think that if I don't do anything about fundraising I wouldn't make it to launch.
God wanted to show me though that He did call me, He has provided for me, and there is absolutely NOTHING in this world that He can't do (and He doesn't need me to do them, either).
So I took a chill pill with fundraising, prayed, kept asking on facebook (that was allowed, I promise), and just held on to the promise that He said that everything will work out for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purpose even if I was all of the things mentioned above. He wanted to show me that even though I am/have been unfaithful He is always faithful because He cannot deny who He is.
Three days before launch: my fundraising account is at $6,344. What???
Not only that, but I had two $50 donations I was putting in that day when one of my best friends calls me and tells me her and her family want to sponsor my last $56 needed for this deadline.
Three days before launch with no fundraisers: God provided $2,300.
I SCREAMED. Very loudly.
Every single doubt I felt in regards to fundraising, in regards to going on the race, in regards to God providing financially, spiritually, and emotionally were literally gone.
I'm still not completely in the clear, because if you look at the bar above my blog ^^^^^, you'll see I'm sill shy about $9,000 from being fully funded. ($4,500 from my next deadline on Oct 1st.)
God has yet again told me to be still, pray, and seek Him. This time I'm gonna do it, because I know better.
But dang. I'm here.
& He's going to get me through the next eleven months and the rest of my life.
This Sunday I leave for Guatemala and begin this international adventure.
In Jesus' name I won't be back until end of May 2014.
God is so good.
