With my eyes closed all I saw was darkness.
Imagine pure silence.
Even though the pavilion was filled with crowds of believers yearning, longing, begging for and receiving the Holy Spirit: my soul was silent..
I've been baptized in the Holy Spirit before, so speaking in tongues, falling in the spirit, visions, prophetic words, yada yada yada was nothing new to me. So when the speaker and worship leader released all structure to allow the Holy Spirit to come in whatever way that looked like: I was slightly perplexed as to why I felt and heard nothing.
I mean, the whole week I had been deep in the spirit, learning new lessons, grieving pains I had kept in for so long, and experiencing the Holy Spirit in ways I had never experienced before as well as deeper in the ways that I had. So what was happening? Did I do something wrong?
If it was in the times of B.C. (before camp), I would have cried out of self misery because I would thing something is wrong with me. I would think that God didn't love me. Fortunately this was times of D.C. (during camp) which is helping me A.C. (after camp).
So what did I do? I start to pray. I start to speak the truth:
God I know you're here. I know Your spirit is in this place. I know You love me and You haven't nor ever will give up on me. Help me experience You right now. Help me be sincere and genuine with what You're doing. Help me rest in You even in the silence. Just because I don't hear you, daddy, I know You're here. Help me not compare. Help me not doubt you. I love You, daddy. And You love me.
Then a word comes into my mind: dance. I remember I love dancing, even though I'm not so good at it, so I start to dance with just a simple sway back and forth.
I continue to sway and I continue to dance when I feel my Heavenly Daddy join me in this sway. He holds my right hand, put my left hand on His shoulder, and we start to dance. And I start to cry.
I'm dancing with God. I'm dancing with my Daddy. All of a sudden, there is no one but He and I in that pavilion. My eyes are still closed but darkness is no longer what I see. My ears are still full of silence, yet my heart is at a perfect peace., I'm dancing with the King of Kings. I'm dancing with the Father (No, not Ara. Haha).
He called me princess and He held me close. He loved on me in such a beautiful way.
Up until that moment I absolutely hated silence; not because I'm extroverted (although that helps), but rather because I have always been afraid that if God wasn't saying something it was because He didn't want me or didn't love me. For some reason I had learned in my heart and mind that silence meant indifference and indifference is worse than hatred.
Honestly, that was probably one of the most breakthrough moments for me. Not because of anything I could have done by my will or power, but simply because God promised He would meet me where I am and boy did He. He does love me. He met me in the silence. And we danced.
