For the past hour or so I've debated posting this out of fear of rejection, being wrong, and just not wanting to. This maybe should have been done pre-camp, but better late than never, huh?
Cheers to being real, loves. <3
Dear S Squad, and more specific, Team MannaFest,
I've been reading your blog posts, praying for you and your prayer requests, praising God in your victories, and asking God for understanding through each situation. Yet each time I see, read, or hear of an amazing thing God has done in or through you: I can't help but compare. (I know, I know. comparison=no bueno. Just hear me out)
I see real brokenness in you. I see true yearning and longing for God. I see vulnerability and real ness that many (myself included) beg God for.
I guess I just want to tell you a little bit of myself and have decided to blog it. I hope that's okay.
I struggle with who I am. I struggle with who I am not because of any particular sin or past mistake; I struggle with who I am because for the past 20 years of my young life (I'm only guessing my first couple years were like this too), I've been told who I should be, how I should act, how I should look, how I should think, and that being me wasn't okay. Being me wasn't good enough.
I always felt like I needed to be placed in some sort of clique or fit a certain stereotype. I tried to fit that for a while, too. I was depressed, so I dressed how society told me how depressed people should look. I wasn't a girly child, so I acted as much of a tomboy as I could. I listened to music I didn't really like just to fit in. I tried (and failed miserably) to read books because I wanted to be classy. Some things I did and tried I can honestly say I like those things now, but I definitely didn't try them because I did at first. Black coffee being one of them. Now I can't get enough of the stuff!!!
These past few months I've been on a journey to find myself. Last week absolutely broke me. God showed me things about my past that I could cry over but never truly let Him heal. He washed me clean, put a new song in my mouth, and gave me a firm place to stand. I honestly feel like I have a 100% clean slate with God. I've never felt that before. I've never known that before.
So what does that have to do with you?
In case I haven't said this enough: I don't know what family is. I don't know what it's like to be able to trust people. I don't know how to not expect the worst. (I'm a pessimistic optimist, what can I say?)
I want to let you guys in. I want to trust you. I want to love you. I want to know you. I want to be there for you. And I want you to be there for me.
I'm not sure what all God is going to do this next month. 5 ish weeks is a long time. Most importantly, I don't know what God is going to do these next 11-months. I won't say I'm ready for it either, but I will say I want to be broken. I want to be torn. I want to be shattered from the inside out. I want to die to myself.
I've struggled with sexual immorality both in the pre-marital way and in the question of my sexual orientation. For a while there I was smoking, drinking, and partying. I am a former cutter as well. None of those sins have taunted me like the lie that I can do this on my own has. My pride and selfishness has always been my biggest sin. God placed y'all in my life for a reason. I trust God above all else with that. So here is my formal invitation to ask those hard questions. Here is my formal invitation to let you in my heart. Because honestly, I may have to remind myself every day that I do love you guys and gals and that y'all love me back.
Please extend grace to me, because I am a person that needs reminded of things a lot; the fact that I am loved being one of them. I'm not asking y'all to sit at my feet and lift me up, I just want to let y'all know where I'm at. If you are you, the real you, that, to me, is the biggest "i love you" you can give.
God is doing a lot of refining and healing in my heart and soul, and now more than ever I'm an open vessel to His teachings and love.
Seriously guys and gals, please keep posting your stories. They're changing lives. They're changing your life. They're changing my life. They're changing lives around the world.
I love you S Squad. I love you Team MannaFest. Are we ready to do life together?
