I have this thing I do when things are going well in my life. It goes a little something like this:
First phase: I am extremely joyful, full of praise, and thankful to God for helping me overcome or be at peaceful about __________________________
Second phase: I tell EVERYONE and their cousin’s brother’s first wife’s twelfth child’s ex-boyfriend’s teacher about it.
Third phase: the doubts start creeping in. I’m on such a high off of Jesus though; I shake it off after some uneasiness.
Fourth phase: Something “horrible” happens, I’m still praising, but I am definitely whining like a baby too.
Fifth phase: “Nothing” goes right, the praise turns into asking God “why?”, and I start to completely doubt that whatever I was praising God for was actually real.
So where to go from there then? This is where I HAVE gone:
Scenario one: I would “fake it till I made it”. I would play the church game. I would wear the smile, say the words, pray the prayers, sing the songs, and be the “happy” gal everyone expected me to be until I was back at phase one.
Scenario two: I would party. I would go out with a couple friends with “full intent” of just dancing and end up drinking so much that I would wake up feeling like I was still slightly drunk.
With both scenarios I relied on myself to get “better”. And once it hit’s me that I’m relying on myself, I go to phase one and try the “Christian thing” of saying the words and praying the prayers of repentance. Like clockwork, I would then “try harder” to be a “better Christian”. What?!?!
I would try harder?!?! What is that???
Like a fool, I continue to time and time again run to myself, my strength, my focus, and my actions to define the kind of person I am. Jesus was simply the dude I would use as my scapegoat. He would be the one I blamed and the one I praise. I knew His words, His teachings. It was all so shallow though.
Jesus didn’t die for me so I could run to Him in words but in myself in actions. Jesus died for me so He could pick me up. Jesus died for me so He could cleanse me. Jesus died for me so He could unlock and break the chains of this world, of this life, and of this body.
Romans 8:1 says:
So now there is NO condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.
Yet, I still somehow always manage to trick myself into thinking I need to “work harder” to love Jesus. I need to “do better” to be a “better” Christian. I know I’ve said this before, but WHAT?!?!?!
No. Heck no. No more. I’m done being “that Christian”. I’m ready to be His child. His actual child. His daughter.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have to do anything; all parents ask their children to do things and as children we should obey.
Jesus made it so I could be a princess, royalty, and a daughter of God: the almighty God!!!! Being His daughter doesn’t give me a free pass to just chill and do nothing. Being His daughter allows be to be free of the bondage that is my past.
Being His daughter allows me to accept His free and unconditional grace and love with no questions asked other than “will you let me fill you up and let you overflow?”
Why do we complicate Jesus so freaking much? Without Christ I AM NOTHING. So why do I keep trying so damn hard???
I’m ready to get to know the real Jesus. I am ready to be His child, not just His fan.
“The greatest challenge is not your discipline, your devotion, your focus. Your greatest challenge is believing the Gospel. Could it be that there’s a God with a love so Scandalous, so wide, so deep, so vast, so high, so expansive, so welcoming, so inclusive?”
– Judah Smith
“Andrea, let me have your sin. I love you.”
Okay Jesus. You can have my sin.
I’m giving up.
<3
