Growing up I never had a great relationship with my dad. I remember being little and cringing when he placed me in his lap. I didn't hate him, but being around him rose a huge fear in me. I have come to realize a lot of my problems and relationships I've dealt with in life stems from this relationship with my dad and overtime I developed a mind set of, "I don't need you." In high school, I didn't like his rules, my curfew was too early, we fought about a lot of things, and my mindset was, "As soon as I'm 18 I'm out of here." So instead of building a relationship with him I ran away. I confided in my friends dads and tried to replace him. I played the game of, "I'll show you!" And if I met people that are not accepting of who I was I would do the same thing – instant wall; "I don't need you." Simple, no tears, no thoughts of why, just plain, I don't need you. Goodbye, don't care, I have what I need to get by.
I have come on a walk with God to a deeper level of learning to really love people. As I met more and more christians, certain people stick out to me like a blinking light. These people radiate with love, they laugh at everyone, accept everyone, get along with everyone, even despite of other beliefs and how they may react to certain things. They genuinely care about you even if they hardly know you. They come across as so pure and content in everyday life. I've been praying, "God how do I love like that? I love you, I love myself, but why do I still struggle with certain people. Why do I battle in the inside of my mind even when I'm kind on the outside?" Don't get me wrong, this is not about wanting people to like me more, this is not about wanting to be accepted by the world. For me, this is wanting the heart of God. I want to see people the way He does, no matter how they treat me, no matter who they are or what they have done. In the second commandment it says, "Love your neighbor as yourself." I want to give off that undiluted light, that unexplainable glow of Christ.
Just recently, I had a huge awakening that I never really forgave my dad. This nasty spirit of rebellion thats leads to pride, building up a wall against the body of Christ.
You can't love others if you don't love yourself.
You can't love yourself if you don't know your identity in God, and finding your identity in Christ is something everyone must continually walk out and search for throughout your life. Just when you think your all cleaned up, God goes deeper and deeper and it can get painful. I am ready to let this nasty spirit of condemnation out of my heart for the good G-d has in store because I can't move forward until its gone. I can't love God and not love my earthly father that was specifically ordained just for me.
While I was praying about this God gave me his heart for my father and I started to weep. My dad is the hardest worker I have ever known and he will pull the shirt of his back for anyone in need he meets. He got married very young and gave up everything to raise and support nine kids. He started a business from scratch and never gave up even when money was scarce. He has always provided us with everything we have ever needed. He has fought for me my entire life and I never accepted it, because I was either to scared, angry, or unthankful. When I see him again, I want to start a relationship, I want to get to know him. I want to take him out to eat, spend time with him, tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to walk me down the isle when I get married. I want to thank him for still loving me and supporting me even though I have not honored and respected him. And because he still loves me as his daughter, despite of everything in the past I know he has the heart of God and loves God because that is how Christ loves His people.
I am done wasting a beautiful life, full of gifts and refuse to place walls of pride up. As young girls we think our dads are out to get us, not wanting us to be happy or have a good time. We think they don't understand and have no idea what their talking about. Fast to think that they see us as not good enough, but I promise you even when we don't understand, they are trying to protect us and keep us safe from the ugliness of the world.
So dads, I encourage you to love on your daughters through communication, kindness, and patience.
Girls, I encourage you to obey and honor your fathers because its one of the highest ways to honor God. To come to an understanding that they have the best interest in mind and they will fight for you no matter what until the day you die. Thats something you can't find anywhere, replace with someone else, or act like it never happened. This is your family, your everything, your support system, who you are and where you came from.
This is a piece of the body of Christ.
Dad, I love you so much! I am so proud of you and I pray for you every day. Thank you for loving me and I can't wait to see you when I get home 🙂
