Fasting.
I am not good at fasting.
Not good in the way that, I do not feel I succeed in the typical idea of what a fast is defined.
When I think of fasting, I think not eating food all day; or not eating a meal or two.
I know that when I don’t eat, I get grumpy and hangry. I know that Papa gives supernatural strength and energy during fasting, but I have yet to have a successful day of fasting, from what I described above.
Monday, one of my fellow world racers mentioned fasting Tuesday, who was interested and doing it. Initially I wanted to, but since I have yet to have a successful experience (because of the mentioned definition in my vocabulary) I initially thought, “no, I won’t succeed. It will just be a disappointing attempt. There’s no point in trying.”
After dismissing this brief monologue, the fast was brought to mind when I was in bed Monday night. My heart was wanting me to fast, or at least attempt to and in place of eating, spend that time actively seeking Papa.
I woke up Tuesday morning, wanting to stay in bed. I was not the normal chipper Andrea, and was really struggling having a good attitude for the day. I text a friend and she said to take 5 minutes and let Jesus hug me. I have my usual 2 cups of coffee, but skip breakfast; although this has started out rough, I know if I put my heart into seeking Jesus, he will have something for me.
I wouldn’t qualify the day as bad, but I was more emotional than other days; my heart was very aware that I couldn’t do this day alone. I thought about the race and thought, “I don’t even know if I can do the race. I don’t even know fully what I’m getting into. Papa I can’t do this alone.” Ever so gently but bluntly, he replied to me, “I know. You can’t do this in your own. I’m right here.”
Did I skip my other two meals and spend hours on the floor encountering Jesus? No. But the few minutes I did have alone, I spent it with him. My heart was so open and transparent from the moment I woke up, it was as if Jesus knew that I was going to pursue him without any obstacle that he just removed it all. And met me where I was.
I don’t have a resounding epiphany or pages of scripture that Papa highlighted to me, yesterday. I have a quiet answer to a cry of complaint. It’s small, but to me it is so significant.
It’s in the quiet answers that Papa speaks so significantly.
I check my email every day for any word on fundraising.
I am waiting for Papa to come through.
I literally CANNOT do this intense adventure without him.
Again, last night I was reminded by a foundational truth; one that can set me free if I let it.
With Jesus, all things are possible. I took some time to imagine what that looked like. I was at a loss for words and could only laugh. All things are possible with Jesus. He has no limitations.
My faith doesn’t contain him; my ability to fast doesn’t hold in his love.
Here I am, September 10, blown away by his faithfulness.
I’m glad he is who he is.
