{I am currently working on my blog from Zambia but with limited power and very limited internet here in Malawi, I give you this in the meantime!}
I never planned on writing a blog about this, but a dear friend encouraged me to do so and she’s pretty great – so, I listened and followed her advice.
A common theme that I have always felt in my life is the need to be transparent: to write transparently, to lead transparently, to let others see inside my heart and my thoughts. Now, this opens myself up to a lot of hurt, but it also brings a lot of healing and a lot of encouragement to me and to others around me.
There has not been a moment in my life that I don’t remember Jesus being a part of. My mom recently told me a story of an exclamation I made coming home from school making a new friend because “they loved Jesus too!”
A week ago my teammates and I spent time talking about visions that they had received from the Lord and when it got to me, I had no answer. I had never received a vision from the Lord, I had never seen anyone physically healed in front of me, I had never heard His audible voice, etc. I had never experienced the Lord’s presence in a “mighty” way, but I have experienced his presence softly and peacefully, like a dove…and I love that. I love that He chose to give me the gift of childlike faith. No questions, just love. Not a whole lot of specific biblical knowledge, but a simple knowledge that He is my father and I can come to him as his daughter and lay down my worries and sin at his feet because he wants them; he wants them so badly – he died for them.
Let’s rewind to month 2: Guatemala. We were about two weeks into our ministry and I had been sick for a good few days with a bacterial parasite, so I had a lot of time to myself while squadmates and teammates were out at their different ministry sites. If you know me well – you know that “alone time” is a pretty big challenge because I literally can’t stand being alone, yet here I was – alone. in my tent. just laying.
As I laid there, I experienced a very familiar theme of that month: silence.
Of course, everyone’s immediate solution to my alone-ness was a very excited suggestion of “now you get to spend time with the Lord!” My reply was a very inwardly sarcastic “yeah…of course!”
I felt as if I had been spending time with the Lord. I was praying and I was praising – all more frequently than I did in the States (because you know, this is a missions trip after all and that’s what you do, it’s a part of the hype).
(side note: That feeling is a lie – true relationship doesn’t come just because you leave your “normal” to go on a grand adventure and have these expectations that because you left your home, God will bless you and cater to your every expectation and every desire.)
So, as I was lying in my tent, expectantly waiting for the Lord to open up the heavens and declare some phenomenal revelation that would help me in that moment, encourage me, give me strength, etc…I heard, felt, and experienced nothing. Silence.
Several days passed filled with all-squad sessions full of our leaders telling their testimonies and how much God had moved in their life and how much they loved Him and how great He is and how they can look back on their lives and see Him and how they can see Him now and how they hear from Him and the truth that they know in His word. They told story after story about God’s faithfulness to show up in their lives. As I sat there listening, I felt nothing. I have certainly seen the Lord work in my life, and upon review I can specifically point out times where He was there, but that month? nothing. Not a word, not a feeling of peace that I was so used to feeling from Him…nothing.
My dear friend noticed my disconnection and asked what was going on. My exact answer was:
“If this [this confusing, silenced time] is Christianity, I don’t want it.”
She replied with the very challenging task of going off by myself to spend time listening. Not talking at God, but stilling my heart and frustrations and just listening.
So I went and laid down in a field nearby and just stared up into the sky, thinking: You Big Sir need to convince me otherwise because I am done. I can’t hear you, I can’t feel you – How do I know that you’re listening? How do I know that you care? Here I am proclaiming this love that I am unsure of. What a hypocrite. What a liar.
I laid there and turned my music on (because clearly, I’m uncomfortable with silence sometimes…) and the first song that came on had lyrics that desperately cried out “help me find my own flame, help me find my own fire, I want the real thing” and all I could do was desperately throw my arms out and agree. A couple minutes later, the lyrics “I know that I can trust you, just give me a heart to love you” were sung. Again, shaking my head in disbelief of how perfect these lyrics were, I nodded in agreement.
When I decided to follow Christ I received a Father who is faithful to let me be free in my decisions and patient when I make them. I received a Father who is exclusive because he wants us to experience the world in it’s absolute fullness – He created it, after all. I received a Father who is gracious when I am prideful. I received a Father who is silent at times to allow me to choose Him in those moments. I received a Father who is Holy.
When I took a few weeks to recognize the power and weight behind the word “holy” my whole attitude shifted. “Holy” presence demands humility…who was I to approach His throne and demand answers? I am His daughter, and yes – I approached Him likewise but to negate his reverence and his holiness was far beyond the pure heart that I want to approach his throne with.
After sitting in the field for a solid two hours, I still heard nothing. Silence. But I wasn’t ready to say no to the One I have loved, I have trusted and I have known my whole life. No amount of silence can take away from the times I have heard and felt Him with me. No amount of silence can nullify His promise that He is near, that He is faithful, that He knew me completely even before I opened my eyes and that He calls me His beloved daughter.
His timing is not my timing and that is beautiful. The silence during that time caused me to earnestly seek Him; it allowed me to get to a place where I finally stopped talking at Him and entered into a true communion with Him; it allowed me to see His patient heart and His deep love for me, never leaving me but trusting me to run to Him harder than I had run before and to truly hear Him.
I am thankful that in the waiting to hear His voice, He remains faithful and patient with me as I fumble around this life He’s entrusted and gifted me with.
“You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also…Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David, as preached in my gospel, for which I am suffering, bound with chains as a criminal. But the word of God is not bound!… The saying is trustworthy, for: If we have died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with Him; if we deny him, he will also deny us; if we are faithless, he remains faithful – for he cannot deny himself.” 2 Timothy 2:1-13
