So. I am broke…. By the World’s standards at least.
My back-up plan is gone. I gave it away. I chose Him.
This month the Lord has been walking me through humbling myself, letting go of my pride, and releasing my grip on the few things in the world I still hold on to; the big one being the stability I feel I have in my savings account (this is specific, but also represents money in general).
My savings account has been my “plan B” from before I left on this crazy adventure with the Lord. It was going to pay for a car when I got home and for the last class I need to take at St. Thomas. But as each month has gone by I realized I had not budgeted everything I thought I was going to need this year. I could not plan what would happen in the future. Nevertheless, I sure did try to. Situation after situation arose, and I did what I could, but each time it just ended in me paying. Did you catch that? I did what I could. I was making it all about me and what I could accomplish. I missed the mark.
At the beginning of the race I started the process of giving over pieces of my life. I was working to grow in areas I was weak in, to let go of my past, and to surrender it all to Him. It was moving along smoothly, though it was difficult. But then I hit a big wall… We had reached the deep parts of my heartache.
We reached the hurt, the abuse, the need for independence, and the feelings of being unworthy and undeserving of many things. I couldn’t trust others to help me. I couldn’t trust others to be there for me. And I certainly couldn’t trust others to stay when it got tough. I have become conditioned to shut down when I felt people getting closer to the big wall wrapped around my heart. I didn’t want to let anyone in. And for a decent amount of time, I didn’t. But, as you read in my last blog, I have begun to take this wall down with the help of my team.
I am opening up in vulnerability, trying to let others love me, and not running away when I feel someone is getting close. Things were moving forward again, until the Lord smacked me in the face. “You are still not trusting Me fully.”
What?? How I am not trusting You?? I gave You this year! I trusted You with my fundraising! I trust You with my every day! I opened up to Your love and grace! What are you talking about, God? “You are not trusting the plan I have for your life by holding on to your “plan B” with closed fists. Give it away; for My glory, not yours.” I began to cry and shake. I was so scared. “What am I supposed to do for the rest of the year? I only have ten dollars in my other account,” I cried. “You can trust Me to provide everything you will need. You were blessed with the job to save this money so that you could become a blessing for someone else. Trust Me. I will not forsake you.”
So I gave it away. All of it. I prayed, I cried, and He lead me to what He wanted me to do. I split it between a few wonderful causes for the Kingdom. And, I won’t receive the glory for it. No one will even know it was my doing. I am broke, but I have everything I need. I have love, peace, shelter, food, and clothes. He supplies it all for me.
I am sold out. I am sold out for Jesus. He paid the bill and I am choosing Him. Will it be hard? Oh yeah, you bet ya! But will it be freeing, rewarding, and completely worth it? I don’t doubt that for a millisecond. He is faithful to His children. And I am a daughter of the King.
