I have felt unexpectedly alone since being home from training camp.
I, the introvert, have missed the 54 other people around me while I sleep, the bonding over meals, and the prayer warriors coming together whenever a squad mate was in need. Furthermore, I have felt so distant from God. It has been hard to come back from the spiritual high we all experienced and try to re-enter normal life. To try and find God in the small things after having experienced Him in such big a way. It has been a serious struggle that has tired my heart. Life has not felt the same since I have returned, and I don’t know why.
Maybe it is because I have changed? I saw, heard, and experienced God in a way I never had before, and maybe that changed me more than I have allowed myself to believe. Maybe my path has now veered off in a different direction than I had ever thought possible and I need to accept that truth. Maybe those relationships in my life that I am trying to hang on to have taught me what they were supposed to, and now it is time for me to move on and forward. I cannot bring them with me.. No matter how badly I want to. I can look fondly on the fun memories and the laughter, but it is time to let them go. And maybe that is exactly what He wants?
He wants me to let go and rely on Him. Maybe instead of running to others for comfort in painful, lonely times, He wants me to run to Him. Everytime. For me to make Him the first place I go, not the last. I feel that He wants me to make Him not just a top 3 priority, but to put Him before work, family and friends. And that’s what I will do. I will put Him first, make Him a priority, and get back those daily moments with Him. I will find him in the small things as well as the big things. I will find Him in the lonely moments as well as the joyous ones. I will make sure I am staying present in the moment like we did at training camp. I will not get ahead of myself with anxiety and racing thoughts. I will surrender all of those to Him. I will become the woman I was meant to be.
At training camp I prayed a very dangerous prayer.. “Lord, change my life so I can never go back to the life I used to live.” I think He is just touching the surface of change for me, and I am embracing it with arms wide open and heart ready for Him. I will not feel lonely because I know He is there, always.
God, you are there. And it’s me, your daughter.
