I love the world. I’ve fallen in love with different cultures, too many people to count, and the importance of having community. Most of all, I have fallen in love with my Father; the way He romances our hearts to Him, the way He displays faithfulness, the way He inspires us with the breaths of nature around us, the way He speaks, with His whispering spirit amidst roaring voices bringing our hearts comfort, the way He teaches us, the way He challenges us, the way He knows what our hearts long for and the way He times what He gives us, perfectly. That’s where I am at right now. In the midst of the valley, I’m in love with Love Himself and what He is doing. What a drastic change has taken place in the last few weeks.
Opposed to what you may think, the World Race is not a nice stroll in the park. It’s raw community (which is great but challenging, especially since most of us don’t know what community really is), it’s selflessness, it’s growth, it’s beautiful and it’s exhausting and for a while, I was more than ready to come home. It all started right before my last deadline. I was convinced that “if the money didn’t come in on time, that meant God wanted me to go home” and that’s what I was preparing for. If I’m being transparent, that’s what I was hoping for. The world is beautiful, but so is home. I was over the World Race. I wanted to be home and that’s where I allowed my heart to be. I was tired, exhausted of giving so much of myself to people I knew I would most likely never see again. I was over the long days, over the heartbreak, over praying so hard to see “nothing happen” (let’s realize it was just not what I wanted to happen.) I was over saying so many “goodbye’s” to so many people who will always have pieces of my heart. I wanted my family, my friends, my job, my gym, my church, stability, comfort… I wanted home, so badly.
I found myself in a place where I felt stuck, like I was walking in a left-hand dominate circle in the middle of the Sahara Desert, (if I would have looked up to be guided by the stars, the lights in the darkness, I probably wouldn’t have been there so lng!) I wanted so badly to be home, but I also knew in my spirit that God had me in this foreign country, with fractions of my heart and intense community for a bigger reason than I cared to acknowledge. The Sahara Desert was more comfortable than moving forward into a place I didn’t want to be. I guess this is where I admit my stubbornness got the best of me? (Go ahead and add the word pride into that sentence as well, along with fear.) When my deadline wasn’t met, “Okay, send me home!” I was ready. But God didn’t give up on me as quickly as I gave up on His plan… and neither did my Squad Mentor, who told me “don’t give up before I do!” and didn’t send me home or the people who believed in me back home who were praying/donating for my deadline to be met. I’m so thankful to have a Father and a home team who believes in me more than I believe in myself.
I’m still on the World Race and it’s still really hard, my deadline still isn’t met, but I have the assurance I had before the race that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and I want to be here. The Lord didn’t bring me into the desert to abandon me or to complete half of the journey, but to grow me and remind me to look to the stars for guidance instead of looking at the ever changing circumstances and landscapes that are before me and within me.
Isn’t it true that we often get lost in ourselves and/ or our circumstances? “This is what is best for me right now, so that’s what I need to do.” While there are times for that, our lives are not about that. Our lives are not about what we need, but trusting the Lord to be what we need. Our lives are about dying to ourselves and picking up our cross daily, not when it’s easy. I wanted to go home because I made the World Race about me and it’s not. It’s not even about the rest of the world. That’s how I started the race, “God is going to use me to really impact the lives of people” and while that’s true, that’s not what it’s about. It’s about Him. When I’m in the place where I realize it’s about Him, I’m not exhausted by pouring into people because it’s not me on my own, but Jesus through me.
I think I expected the World Race to make my life easier, to be a way to get away from complacency, make my faith stronger, fix my relationships with people at home and give me a sense of direction. Was I wrong or was I wrong? The World Race is simply a change of scenery and I struggle with the same things as before, I dare to say I struggle with more. Coming on the World Race didn’t “fix” me, it exposed me. It has exposed the ugly pieces of who I am and it has exposed my desperation for Christ. It has exposed the fact that I’m not an independent person. It has shattered the identity I have set for myself, broken me down, and God is reconstructing the foundation of who I am with His word rather than my ideals. Maybe that’s why I wanted to go home. I was in pieces and trying to put myself together, trying to hold onto who I thought I should be, knowing I had all the pieces and I could pick them up myself. That’s what I’ve always done… Glued fractionated pieces of myself to keep it all together, and all along, God wanted my pieces, not my self-manufactured glue. With my rough edged, shattered pieces exposed- I find myself broken, knowing the Lord is refining me into His masterpiece and there is nothing I can do to help. The only role I have is keeping my eyes on only Him as He guides me through the ever changing circumstances and landscapes that are before me and within me.
I have 4 months until I go home. I’m amazed that I’m saying this, but 4 months seems too close. I’m in so many pieces, my heart has so many pieces around the world, and I sometimes wonder what the heck the Lord is doing! I have 4 months of the World Race left and I probably won’t have it all together by the end, I’m realizing I don’t need to… I’m learning to live in surrender and maybe that means living with my rough edged, shattered pieces exposed and accessible for refinement; living with my weakness, my desperation for Christ being the most exposed, most defining part of who I am.
“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver, and they will bring offerings in righteousness to the Lord.” Malachi 3:3
