I can’t sleep.
And I really don’t want to without writing this.
Without sharing my heart.
Without letting you in.
Its been a long week filled with transition, heartbreak, and expectancy.
Because of that, I've found myself on my face before the Father every moment I’ve felt weak, confused, unsure, or broken.
So much has on my mind and there's so many things I long to explain,
so many things I long to fix,
and so many things I long to be apart of.
Project search light was good for my spirit,
it was refreshing and brought me back to a place of revival and expectancy for this new season that Dad is bringing me into.
I came back to California on Saturday and got broken up with by the man I’ve fallen deeply in love with.
This wasn’t unexpected, it was quite expected…
but it still doesn’t release the pain that I was feeling the weeks leading up to it and when it happened.
Immediately after,
God spoke lovely words over me and affirmed the things I believed to be true;
the things that were important.
And He told me to be patient.
I was unsure of what life was going to look like after that had happened.
For months it was filled with fun extravagant dates, home cooked meals, tv shows, movies, constant communication, love emails, holding hands, I love yous, mutual community, future conversations, and planning.
but that part of my life ended quicker than I would have liked.
I sat before Dad on Sunday and felt Him giving me loads of options of what's next for me.
School, pursuing new community in the area, living with my parents, living with other women, getting involved in a different church, continuing my job at Red Rock to become a barista maybe even more,
and then I heard him say "Center Global Action offered by Adventures in Missions”.
My ears perked up and questions began to swarm my mind.
“Father, you know that means another season of traveling, of moving.
but, You told me in Cambodia to set my roots in California… right?"
“I know.” He said.
“but you don't need to set down roots just yet.
I’m not done with you Daughter.
But I will bless whatever you do."
During Project search light, out of curiosity, I went to their meetings and asked my mentor for his opinion on the organization.
I heard nothing but beautiful things about it and came to realize that it could be beneficial for me.
But I had a relationship back home that I was committed to and ready to work through,
a relationship that the Lord said He would bless.
So at PSL, CGA was out of the question.
Maybe for another time.
Maybe for another season.
I’m a woman who tries out all my options,
feels out what’s right,
prays,
asks the Father what He thinks,
waits on His voice,
and what goes with whatever makes my spirit leap.
I’ve found that the Lord has gifted me with a powerful gift of Faith.
Sometimes I jump into something fully without knowing what the outcome would bring,
but knowing that it would be beneficial in the long run.
I’m not a planner
(which is why I know I need to marry one, I need to be balanced out),
but I’m also not naive in the sense that I don’t think about my future-
I do.
and my future is so focused on pleasing the Father and what He wants for my life.
That’s my future.
He is my future.
And when He gives me plans, I do them.
Honestly, what matters most to me is the Kingdom and how I can continue to grow further to understanding the Fathers heart and how He operates.
Not many would understand that.
I know this to be true.
Actually, I know many won’t and don’t,
I’ve experienced constant responses of:
“why don’t you do this.”
or “you need to pray more about this.”
or “are you sure you’re doing the right thing?”
or “you’re putting your life on hold."
man that last one… that one hurts deep.
because I know I’m not.
I know deep to my core that I’m not.
Life isn’t supposed to make sense sometimes.
Especially the Christian life.
Things happen,
the Father prompts,
and then the Father says Go.
and because I’m willing, I go.
I go far and it’s caused me to go deep.
I told the Lord while I was in Nicaragua,
“wherever you want me to go, I’ll go”
and I’ve held to that promise ever since.
That’s His and my secret promise,
and a promise I know He will always hold me to.
Because I was willing I’ve seen more healing’s and miracles than ever in my life.
Because I was willing I’ve learned to hear the voice of the Lord and know when He’s speaking.
Because I was willing I’ve learned how to extend more grace, more love, and become more forgiving.
Because I was wiling the Father chooses to use me to advance His kingdom outside 4 walls…
where it gets dirty, hard, frustrating, and deep.
I’m 24 years young and I still haven’t stayed longer than 8 months at a job.
But that's okay.
I’ve been traveling around from place to place for 3 years now- whether that be countries, states, or cities.
And that's okay.
My goodness how my Father has grown me, challenged me, and always prompted me to do so,
always prompted me to go.
Because I’m willing.
Because I promised.
[[ Who ever said life had to be and look a certain way anyway?
Not everybody was meant to fit the 4 years of school and then the 9-5 job.
Some are birds like me, some are just meant to fly.
That doesn't mean school or jobs won't happen in the future,
but why does it have to look a certain way?
Why does it have to be a certain way?
My life is different, and I'm totally okay with that. ]]
That's why I do it, because I’m being prompted.
My life will never be put on hold.
What does that even mean anyway?
My life is always moving forward because I’m moving forward to knowing His heart, how He loves, and where He's calling me.
I’m moving forward to advance His kingdom and learn to share His love with people everywhere I go.
I’m moving forward.
I decided to have the “why not” attitude on Sunday and do the quick application for CGA. I honestly wasn’t expecting to hear back for a while, and in my thought process at the time, if I did CGA, I knew I wouldn’t do it until the fall of 2015 anyway, because that just made sense.
Save up money or something, the usual.
I honestly forgot I did that the next day and got a phone call from a woman who worked in the office for AIM asking about my CGA quick app.
She asked surface level questions,
you know,
the ones that are about why I want to do it,
what track I’d be involved in,
and when I’d plan to do it.
I answered all her questions best that I knew how,
not exactly sure if it was something I really wanted to do.
When I told her the Fall semester, she challenged me with asking me why not the Summer and “because I have a job” is the best answer I could come up with.
I was given an analogy that will stick with me for a long time,
“when you’re given and ice cream cone, you don’t savor it… you eat it right away.
Same thing with God, when He gives you an open door or option, you don’t savor it and wait… you jump in."
She was absolutely right.
Next thing I knew, I had an interview with her the next day at 10 am.
I got off the phone with her and immediately talked with a friend for a long time processing through the option of CGA.
I was again challenged by this beautiful woman and was told hard truths that my heart didn’t want to hear,
but needed.
“he’s not coming back.”
and
“your job doesn’t have to have you there, there's always turn over."
I let that sink into my heart and began to think,
why not spring then?
As I processed that new idea to her,
she began encouraging it further to really consider it.
"but Dad, that means leaving sooner than I expected… that means leaving in a week…"
“i know. Trust me.” He said.
I got off the phone with her and began expectantly speaking things out loud;
“Father, if you really want me to go, I’ll go. If you really want me to leave in a week, I’ll do it.
But you have to make the way for it. I have a job still. You have to do the work."
“You will and I will."
wait… what?
again I said,
“dad, you know that means i would be leaving Feb 1st right? that's my last day of work and Spring CGA starts this friday…"
“I know. You will."
wait… what?
The next day I had my phone interview and brought this whole new idea to her, but made a point to explain how I wanted to honor my job and finish out my scheduled days.
We then proceeded with the interview. Honestly y’all, I thought it went horrible… in my mind I just knew I didn’t get it.
How could I have? I didn’t even know if i was answering the questions correctly.
Afterwards she mentioned how she would get back to me by 3 pm since it was so time sensitive.
We hung up and I went straight to my job to explain to my boss what was going on thinking she was going to be upset and frustrated that I even applied 8 weeks ago.
But instead, she responded with,
“I support you in whatever you decide to do. How about this, I won't put you on the schedule anymore and if you get accepted you can go, if you don’t we can always put you back on."
like… what?
I drove home kinda glancing up every now and then with a confused look on my face absolutely unsure of what He was doing.
I got a phone call earlier than I expected and I heard the words,
“YOU’RE ACCEPTED! We all feel strongly that you're called here. See you in a week!”
what.
All in 2 days a direction was placed before me because my Father is kind.
He’s given me so many options and I decided to take a peak into one of His doors,
He beamed and met me face to face saying,
“here daughter, want to try this?"
I said yes.
So, heres to another journey with the Lord.
I’m moving to Gainesville, Georgia to be discipled under the most Spirit filled, Kingdom Focused men and women.
I'll be taking courses,
further understand the calling He’s placed in my life,
and pursuing Worship track to further pursue the Fathers heart to bring a presence of freedom and worship to every setting I walk into.
because worship is a lifestyle and everyone needs freedom from something.
That’s my heart.
This is my life.
Its not meant to be understood,
because my Father sometimes just doesn’t make sense.
And that's okay.
My life got interrupted 3 days ago all because I heard and listened to a whisper from my Father, just like when I decided to pursue the world race 3 years ago.
That same whisper.
That same Father.
That whisper has prompted me again, and I’m going,
because I’d go to the ends of the earth for my Papa.
He’s just that worth it.
Here is the LINK to check out the program I'll be doing in just 1 week!
Also, check out there promo video
I'm once again in a place where I need your help, in order to do 1 year of discipleship I will need $9,950 before the end of the year. its broken up into semesters, each semester I will need to have about 3,316 in order to continue further. Each semester is about 3 months long.
Please consider partnering with me through this journey by supporting me one time or monthly here.
Heres a glimpse of what I'll be pursuing this next year.
THE DEEP DIVE
Take The Deep Dive beyond just an understanding of your calling and begin putting it into practice. Begin partnering with people who are going in the same direction as you. Gain an appreciation for hard work, networking, commitment and much more. The Deep Dive is for the no-nonsense people who are really ready to put in the time and effort needed to see change happen.
- 3 Semesters
- 1 Year of Community Living
- 1 Year of Discipleship
- Your choice of up to 3 tracks
- Your choice of up to 3 locations
- All courses from first 2 semesters
- Course on Activating your Calling
- Professional Mentor (selected specifically for you)
- Career Placement Coaching
- Option to lead a 1-week mission trip at no additional cost (international and domestic locations are possibilities)
