Firstly, before I start blogging I want to say thank you, friends.
Thank you for supporting me in prayer and financially… your giving has come a long way…
Since I've blogged about how I need you in this process i'm now 3 months in and 2,700+ in my world race fund account.
It's become easier to tell you how badly I need you. I need you, i need you, i need you! See? I'm not just talking about funding- although yes, i need you there.. but more in prayer- I need you to pray on my behalf to trust the provider, not just the provision. I need you to pray for my walk, that I walk faithfully and don't weaver. The enemy is on big attack right now with my finances- he's trying so hard to discourage me, its been working till my wise father brought it to my attention. Pray against that with me. HE HAS NO PLACE THERE. It is not my money… it is never going to be my money.
This is absolutely a beautiful process for me- hard- i'll get to that part- but good.
Thank you for encouraging me.
Encouraging me by giving me feedback on my blogs- its because of you i'm confident to be more vulnerable and honest with you.
Encouraging me by giving me a word of truth that gets me through the day- through this, it becomes easier in the rough times. I remember your words. I'm remembering your words now.
Thats that…
Theres a few things I want to share with you going on in my life. Some beautiful and neat, some trying and absolutely breaking me to pieces and then some.
I'm not really sure how to begin… okay, I guess i'll start with questions,
Do you ever feel like you're losing your mind?
Like so much is going on and you feel like the list in never ending?
Like there's so many responisbilities that you have to keep up with and the minute you fall behind the slightest everything crumbles and then you want to give up all together?
But you can't, because it won't be taken care of if you do, and i guess it's apart of life.
yeah, this is going to be another ramble blog…
I told you last blog about how my wallet got stolen, what was in my wallet and how its been making me stand on my toes, how i can't even stand normally, or even sit and relax my mind without thinking who's doing what with my identity. How long it'll take till this will be over.
I guess I didn't get that too into detail… but thats where i've been.
Since I got a police report for my stolen wallet, there hasn't been much else to do but hope that it turns up eventually, hope that my money won't get stolen…
boy was I wrong, not everyone is fair in this world. "If you have it why not use it to your advantage? Free money!" so dumb..
ive done everything I can on my behalf to take care of this situation, I've closed my old bank account and opened new ones. I've filed reports, talked to the bank, I've literally done everything.
since marina and I have moved into our new apartment, we haven't had Internet really. So today, I had the chance to take care of some of the things on my long list of responsibilities.
i went to Starbucks, ordered a drink, and began to get things situated.
one of the things on my list of stupid responsibilities was order more world race shirts so I can distribute them out to those who have ordered recently.
All the money from my Wepay account goes straight into my savings which is my own personal world race account that i also put money into, I checked my account balance today and saw more transactions of withdraws than I've done… Ever.
It showed that I was in negative 3 times so negative it was over -1000+ dollars.
all my world race money was used.. All of the money you generously gave has been stolen..
I began to break in that moment, tears overclouded my eyes as I began to believe the lies that were so easy to believe, the enemy had his hold on me as I began to say over and over
"I can't do this."
He was convincing me of that.
all my race money I've saved up was gone.
i panicked and called my dad,
he walked me through steps to take care of this situation, hopefully ill get the money back tomorrow.. Pray with me in that.
i know this isn't entirely my fault, but I am so sorry for my irresponsibility in being careless with my wallet and this was the repercussions of that.. Your money you so generously offered me, is in the hands of someone else.
i've been trying to trust that the Lord has in under control, because I know he does, I know it. I will choose to believe and walk In that..
Ive been a mess all day long, I would cry at random moments because I can't believe someone would do this…
I've never been at loss of hope for humanity before.
then The lord gave me a revelation after driving around crying my eyes out over a stolen bank account almost at the point of vomitting,
these are the people I'm going to be reaching too. These are the people I will come in contact with on the race.
I was angry.
I hated that thought.
But then Jesus told me very loud and clear,
"I love the thief."
Then I answered in disbelief,
"Jesus, You love them?!"
HOW?!
then he convicted me, just as His spirit is supposed to do,
and He reminded me of who I am…
I'm not any better than them,
I suck as much as they do,
just cause my sin isn't like theirs, it's all the same sin.
I'm just like the thief.
And in the midst of my sin, how He has evidently shown grace and love towards me..
gosh, sometimes the truth I speak to myself frustrates me to no end…because I want to be in the right.
But i'm not, I never will be. all I can do is submit to Him and trust He'll provide in some crazy beautiful way, He always does, it's all about trusting that He is.. this is another lesson. For me, and for you… you're apart of this too..
He is pursuing them, just as he pursues me.
He wants them, just as He wants me.
in His eyes, we are all equal.
And just like that,
my heart ached for humanity.
In that moment I prayed to Jesus for a supernatural love towards them, whoever they are, whatever they've done with my world race money, with your money, no.. not your money… with HIS money that he's blessed you with, that the spirit pulled on your heart to give to me in buying a shirt or sending me a donation through my wepay account.
i prayed that the Spirit would woe them over.
i prayed for blessing in their life.
i prayed over a relationship with Him- that it becomes intimate.
i prayed for Him to be glorified through this.
I prayed for understanding for myself and from you.
this was really difficult to do.
My flesh hates it.
but, The truth is, I'm not here to condemn. I'm not here to point fingers. I'm not here to act righteous. Im not here To judge.
i don't get those rights- Jesus will take care of that when he returns
all I'm called to do is love, Jesus loved those everyone hated.
and if my deepest desire is to be like Jesus in every aspect of my life, if i want Him to shine through me, if i want to be set apart from the rest of the world, if i want to live a life thats fulfilling, then It's my responsibility to show love in every action that I take, even if it isn't noticed or seen and for in my heart to mean it.
if I just show Gods love and favor, everything else will be handled by the Spirit in me.
i have to choose to love the sinner, the thief, the prostitute, the liar, the drunkard, the pharasee.
And I'm choosing too. Because I am no greater than they.
And quite honestly, there's no other way for me- especially if I'm choosing to live a life pleasing to my Lord, my Adonai, my King.
this kills my pride, but the spirit it me rejoices.
Now, those of you who have ordered shirts, please bare with me.. I can't afford to ship them to you quite yet.. But when the storm calms- which it will soon- ill send them your way ASAP
much love
