This blog has been under construction for 3 weeks now…
This blog may be scattered everywhere.
Nothing really has a point.
These are just a few things i've been feeling and what the Lord has been teaching me.
I've been wanting to blog for a while,
but have felt that I haven't necessarily been given the right words to say,
And i didn't want all my blogs to seem depressing or like my life is the worst thing ever.
Because it isn't.. but let's be real here… the path I'm treading on is narrow and isn't easy…
so who am i fooling here?
I guess for once I wanted it to look like I had my crap together… that life gets easier..
but goodness! I am broken! I will never have anything together, my life will never look pretty and cleaned up when living here on this earth where the prince of the air is constantly on his prowl to scheme us with his dirty lies.
someone once described my life as "a beautiful mess"- rawness is a good place to start.
So here comes the raw,
A few weeks ago,
something was revealed to me.
I'm in the waiting.
The waiting is hard, yall,
because there's been so many things that have come my way that seem good and worth while
But reality is, I'm leaving in less than a year, and quite frankly, I have my next 2 years pretty much planned out.
This race is a bigger deal to me than many may understand or think.
It's made me sacrifice more than I really anticipated these last few months.
It has made me rely on the Lord in ways I've never experienced before, financially and with the "good, worth-while" things that are placed before me.
I'm not sure who my audience is lately- I actually never was sure…
I'm not sure who's reading my blogs..
who has subscribed. (except for my darling roommate and best friend.. Hi marina.)
I'm not sure if i've grown up with you,
if you're an acquaintance,
if you're just a friendly stranger,
maybe you're even a future racer who is obsessively reading blogs, hoping and praying that one day you'll go on the race and stumbled across my blog- this was me a year ago… hang in there future racer, the Lord has BIG plans for you.
Even though I'm blogging on the world race site,
Even though I'm fundraising with shirts and bracelets,
Even though I'm sending out support letters,
and doing all that I can to raise the 15,500 and meet deadlines…
a lot of this still seems surreal.
I remember before I applied for the race last year beginning to write a bucket list, these were the things on there:
-Move to California- yup doing that
-Ride a train- get to do that too
-Go on the world race…
I remember looking at that multiple times through out the last year or maybe less- even after I got denied and thinking "that's never going to happen"
goodness, how i doubt God so often…
sometimes I trick my mind to thinking this is something that's shorter and less intense than it really is and will be.
I find myself having conversations with people and saying in complete seriousness:
"when i get back from the race, maybe i'll go to an art school in San Francisco and get a certificate there."
or
"I want to own a studio and just do ceramics all day"
and they answer with a question that leaves me completely breathless and baffled:
"Do you seriously believe you'll come back the same person you left? Do you really think you'll have the same desires you have now?"
the answer to that is no
but that terrifies me, you see.
because the reality is,
going on the race, if I allow it to, will change my perspective on things, the scales on my eyes will fall, and I will see people in a way I've never seen before. I will love in a way I've never been able to love before. I will be broken in a way I never have before. The burdens and hurt that i've pushed down for so long, will reveal itself to be restored. I'll be so in tune with the Spirit that He'll reveal thing to me that I'll never imagine possible. I will see things not many get to see… affliction, warfare, pain in a way I've only read about throughout scripture or stories i've heard from a friend. I'll do things that not many get to do. I don't think I'll want the same things I want now… maybe I will, but it'll be different.
Someone prophesied over me that the Lord is going to reveal where He wants me to be the rest of my life.
what?
me? a missionary? for life?
whether that mean a place that I spend a lot of time at or potentially live there.. I don't know what that means.. but gosh, what crazy thoughts, what a crazy experience. I live a crazy life. but goodness is it a cool one.
Lately, i've been in a financial rut.
I have to pay for things I can't afford. Pay bills that are late, that I can't afford. I dont undestand how to get money back from my tax deductions last year, I've tried and get so frustrated I stop. On top of that paying rent and electric makes me barely get by. And on top of that, my wallet got stolen and it had my social security card, bank information, car insurance, money, and my license.
poor, poor, little old Andie… right?
But, gosh, I've been a mess.
I find myself crying at random moments because I'm so tired of being grown up, i'm sick of the responsibility that money brings. I'm so worn out by all the things that are beyond me.
But when I find myself to the point of uncontrollable tears I hear Him whisper to me –
"My Grace is sufficient for you."
"Nothing is to difficult for the Most High."
"Be patient, I'm teaching you something."
and that's when I throw my fist up in the air and say "TAKE THIS FROM ME."
and He doesn't.
Because he isn't done teaching me how to be a better steward of my money.
He isn't done teaching me what it looks like to trust Him with my money.
This small little journey still has a few miles left on it till I'm free from this frustration.
Gosh, I will have learned so much by the end.
But please be in prayer for the present. Stress so easily overwhelms me.
Since my status has been on deferred, I haven't been able to look at how far along I am on fundraising, but i've been praying and expecting the Lord to do big things with that opportunity of the unknown for me.
And gosh, did it blow my mind yesterday when I went to my profile.
Humility.
Trust.
Reliance.
Humility, humility, humility.
Thank you.
and as I've said before, thank you doesn't suffice.
I can't express enough how much this fundraising process has taught me.
I really can't put it into words.
Putting my race in the Hands of God and His people, expecting that He would move within them to support me has been hard, but so worth it.
Since I began devoutly following Jesus 5 years ago, I've never been in a situation where I had to rely on the Church to help financially till now. And goodness I wish I experienced this sooner! But God's timing is perfect timing, and he's teaching me this now because then I needed to experience or be taught something different for that time to get to now.
Gosh that might have been confusing to read.. sorry. (xoxo)
But seriously, I know who you are and how much you gave…
and I am grateful for you, and praying for you specifically that the Lord blesses you through this great giving.
This weekend I worked at a D-now in Austin and a sweet friend of mine told me she was going to begin to tithe to my race.
what?
Also, I showed my 7th grade girls and a few friends the bracelets I was selling, they were a HIT!
Through them, I was able to raise $118, just from this weekend.
what?
Friends,
don't use money as an excuse to not do something you're passionate about.
don't use money as an excuse for something the Lord is calling you too.
If you feel led, obey, TRUST the God of the universe to provide.
He will, gosh, how He will.
When I say 100 dollars isn't too much for Him? I mean it.
When I say 500 dollars isn't too much for Him? I mean it.
When I say 1000 dollars isn't too much for Him? I mean it.
When I say 15,500 dollars isn't too much for him? I mean it.
15,500 is a lot of money, you're right. but it's a lot of money to YOU AND I.
HE HAS IT UNDER CONTROL- it's His anyway.
Don't doubt Him.
He'll see you though if it's His will for you.
And TRUST that will.
Don't doubt His people.
They will support you.
Money money money.
God sure is teaching me a lot through money.
